Hey sarah I agree with you that we constantly change as people; whether it's jobs, beliefs, values, friendships, romantic relationships. I think you've come a long way and aren't the same person you were 7 years ago.

I do feel like I've been dicked around A LOT by these temp agencies, by that company that hired/fired me in 5 weeks, and some bad friendships that ended this year too. Even my group in my grad school class right now are all dicks to me. I emailed my prof today to tell her that its 3-against-1 and I am nearly done with the class and a majority of our grade is based on our group project outcome. So, hopefully the prof. will let me deviate and do the presentation alone and if I have to do extra work to pass her course then I will. As long as I don't have to put up with the three jerks (1 woman, 2 men) anymore who are in my group.

I just read Glassdoor reviews of the company I'm temping at and all the reviews had one thing in common: low pay. So, that's a downer to say the least. If I wouldn't have lost my full-time job, managed my fall refund from my left over financial aid better (I spent all but $2500 of it on fixing my car, paying down my collections, b/c I assumed I'd have my full-time job), then I'd be in a better place financially. But since I'm not in a stable financial place right now, I'm in a constant state of panic. And it's stressed me so much that I missed my period and developed huge cystic acne all over my face which hasn't happened in years.

I don't know what "fake it til you make it" even means. I don't know how to "play the game" either. This 30 year old girl who did the receptionist job 4 years ago, is constantly on me to be perfect and I've only been at this company for 4 days. They are judging me unrealistically hard because their last temp was terrible and only lasted the week. This role didn't even have a receptionist training manual but I created on already on Friday!! It will be very disheartening if the HR team interviews and hires another woman to be their front desk receptionist and use the training manual that I took the time to create. This week will be the 2nd week. I wish I had asked them to hire me outright instead of hire me through the temp agency when I interviewed with them on Monday of last week. But hindsight is 20/20 isn't it?

This weekend my roommate's mother and ex-husband both stopped by to try to take her in to the emergency room mental illness floor but she refused to go. She lied about not feeling well enough to go and both her mother and ex-husband just threw up their hands, got in their cars and left. Part of me thinks she'd benefit from an outpatient program that goes 5 hours a day for 3 months and I suggested as such to her family and friends but she won't do it. She doesn't think anything is wrong with her.

And I told her sister about how I could call the police and tell them I feel threatened, and that would be the only way she'd be moved and put into a longer-term mental ward (not the typical 3 day short term self-sign-in situation). But I don't want to do that if it will jeopardize me renting out her guest bedroom until I get my spring grad school tuition refund IF I can pass my current grad school course, dealing with my 3-person group jerks.

I spent 4 hours at my mom's nursing home today cleaning her room, taping photos to the back of her door that were scattered everywhere, and just hanging out with her. I took her to lunch and the service was terrible. She ordered "egg in the hole" and it's supposed to be a fried egg inside the center of a piece of toast with a hole in it. The inept cooks at this Perkins didn't even let the fried egg set before they just dripped it over the toast and left the cut out circle on top of the toast. I had a HUGE hissy fit with the manager and told him he would need to comp my mother's lunch and give her a new one. Well, he didn't comp her the cost of her meal but he did have the moron cook remake it correctly. My poor mother.

I'm also waiting for my rent money that I put down on my apt that I had to cancel and back out of after I was fired, to be refunded to me. How convenient that the landlord is "out of the country" and his lackey suddenly can't refund it to me. The guy is a slum lord! That's a lot of money!

So, I'm fed up with these transitions that happen to me like this. I don't even know if I am in the right grad program anymore. I found a better one I could apply to but it is out of state. If I applied and got the financial aid coverage, I'd have to apply for housing to live in a dorm at this university out of state and I'm nearly 50. I don't know if there is an age limit in who lives in college dorms but I'd still feel weird if that's what I had to do to transition yet again to a new start out of state.