Last September I fell into a severe mixed state. I ended up IP for the whole of October. I had ECT and it erased my memories of the episode, and most of the year. Desperate to put the pieces of my life together I requested the October hospital notes. My pdoc approved this. Unfortunately, unknown to me, my pdoc, or T, I was heading back into a more severe mixed state with psychosis. Initially the notes helped me see how unwell I was and why I ended up agreeing to ECT. Over weeks though I became obsessed with those notes, and finding another way to ‘heal’ from Bipolar. Down the rabbit hole I went until I was convinced that all mental health clinicians were out to harm me. I went manic for a week and believed I could heal myself by tapping into the energy of the universe. It was an ecstatic experience until I fell into the mixed state. Suddenly I was unable to ‘tap into the energy of the universe’ to heal myself. I became suicidal and my T and pdoc got me IP. It was awful. I felt utterly trapped and terrified. If Geodon hadn’t have worked so swiftly I doubt I would be here. I have been well since March now!

Anyway, although it helps now having those notes (if I ever doubt I have Bipolar I just need to flick through them) it was the wrong time for me to have access to the notes as I had not even recovered from the episode that put me in hospital last October. Having those notes was just one piece of the puzzle, but they did add fuel to the fire. We have a right to read our records. Just be careful what state you’re in when you do.