today marks forty-five years. its my birthday. I don't feel older. I just feel old. I am not doing well mentally and my appt cant come fast enough with my pdoc and my therapist. I am struggling with my ptsd. tremors are making everything worse. I have them non-stop. I have been pacing a lot when I am not laying down. mom is sick and I am now taking care of her. making her tea and doing things for her. she doesn't get around well. she has many health problems. I like taking care of her when she is sick. It reminds me of her taking care of me. I want to say what I wish for my birthday, but I am afraid that it wont come true if I do. So, I wont say it.