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beth16 said:
I don't know if I want to really get help, but the more I continue to travel down this road the more depressed I seem to get. Yet I don't want to really open up to some one. That scares me to no end. This here is my only outlet to release tension at the moment...perhaps for ever. Thanks for responding. I have looked up places to get help, but I just can't seem to make that call.

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How about a book? Maybe a bit of reading on ED's will help de-mystify some of what you are going through. With more of an understanding you might not be so afraid to start unraveling this thing.

Talk about being afraid of what a doctor might find--here's one for ya:

A few years ago, as I was driving (going about 65) on a highway, I suddenly started seeing double and saw everything spinning in front of me. It got so bad that I couldn't keep the car straight so I pulled off to the shoulder and dialed 911. As I sat in the car, sea-sick from the spinning, I convinced myself that this was "It"--The big one--I was pretty sure that a blood vessel had just ruptured in my head or that I was having a stroke and that my days amongst the living would soon be over.

When we got the hospital, they wheeled me in and an intern pulled out a pen light and told me to try to follow it with my eyes. I thought it odd that they could diagnose my "brain problem" with a simple pen light, but I did as I was told.

After a couple seconds, the intern casually stood up and said "Vertigo--third case I've seen today" he then gave me a two sentence explanation of what vertigo was (fluid in my inner ears had messed up my balance) and told me to go home, rest and that it would go away on it's own.

It took a solid week for it go away, but once I knew what was going on (made perfect sense to me) the fear, panic and all the crazy thoughts went away.

Although nauseous in a wheel chair with my eyes closed and the "chuck bucket" on my lap, I have to say that I was probably THE happiest person to leave that hospital that day.