My Support Forums - View Single Post

Lilly2 · Oct 28, 2019 at 11:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I wasn't offended. I'm sorry you were triggered. I can totally get where you are coming from.

I rewrote my letter to her to make it less confrontational, but still very clear that I'm forgiving her this time, but I can't be doing this crap again. I think she was feeling guilty. She was certainly feeling anxious when she saw my husband there.

It turns out that not having coaching makes me much less anxious than having it and having to decide if I should call or not. So I'm not going to ask for it back again yet. The agreement was that she wouldn't text me out of the blue either.

@maybeblue

((((safe hugs))))

Thank you for replying.

Your DEAR letter was well-written, and your perseverance reveals your strength! I'm sorry you are still struggling with that relationship, even though some relief came from not having to worry about the dynamics and boundaries around phone coaching. Not all DBT groups offer phone coaching, but most support or therapeutic groups do offer "fairness" to all members of the group, insofar that the same rules and tools apply to all members, and that the only "punishment" or "negative reinforcement" offered would include termination, not a restriction of tools that are offered to everyone else. But that's just my opinion. It's great that you saw the benefits of coaching restriction, and how your anxiety decreased from it. It's not clear whether that benefit was your T's intent or not, but it's great that you're not able to worry about the dynamics involved with that.

We may never know the intentions of others, since that often requires them communicating that to us with integrity and the kind of openness that isn't afraid of litigation, reprimand, or complaints that can hinder someone's reputation. Still, there are other times when a genuine apology and honest explanation about one's intentions and possible counter-transference reduces litigation, reprimand, and complaints because they have identified the problem and are correcting it while also making amends to those they hurt (intentionally or not). Not all professionals (or even laypersons) can do that, given their legal boundaries and Fifth Amendment rights.

I read your past posts, and I'm glad you received a response from TELL. There may not be a way to complain to the board, but you could choose to see where the relationship heads and, if it heads down a path of patterns of hurt to you, you can make a public review, if that is what platforms allow, and if it is legal to do so (e.g., *not* considered defamation of character or libel). The point would be whether or not you'd feel okay about writing such a review afterward - not so much on what you wrote (as I'm sure your writing skills are superb, fair, and legal), but rather what your emotions would look like after you had published that review publically. What would you feel a year from now, or even five to ten years from now? Would you feel a sense of justice and relief in doing so, in order to protect other clients from similar harms, or would you feel any other emotion that isn't helpful to you? Those are options.

Hopefully you and your T will be able to discuss this. It's important that you do discuss this with your T and not let it drag on out of fear of how your T will react. Your T could react in a number of ways, but there's no way to predict your T's behavior in such cases. You can communicate your laments with your T and she how she responds. If she responds apologetically with explanations that benefit you, including expectations and boundaries for both of you to come up with together, then that's a good sign. But if you feel like her words are placing the ball back into your court, or the responsibility of that rupture on you, then that would indicate an imbalance in perspective concerning responsibility (sometimes referred to as gaslighting in extreme cases, but not always).

If you're going to ride out the storm together, the best thing to do is to communicate what you feel to your T. Hiding from your T only indicates that your T is not the best T for you, because there's a lack of trust and a prolonging of your needs in therapy, which only prolongs your anxieties and healing. Being open and hopeful that your T will respond in some honest and meaningful way for your treatment is a good thing.

I think most of us here are just concerned about you and how you feel with all of this, regardless of whether you stay or leave, file a complaint or not. Sometimes even valid complaints can backfire, which I've learned the hard way in life. Sometimes it's best to walk away and grieve while finding alternative treatment. But other times, it's best to stay and work things out, too. It's hard to tell from the outside looking in, but you're doing a tremendous amount of work to help you yourself figure this out.

We're just glad you shared your story and allowed us to be a part of your support.

Hang in there. No matter what you do or don't do, you are you, and we accept you.

(((safe hugs)))