((((safe hugs))))  @Access Denied
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Originally Posted by Access Denied
Loud-talking guys ogle me as I lean across the cafe table enjoying my coffee. I can feel their collective gazes crawling over me like ants. They've been staring at me all time I've been at this cafe, elbowing each other like they've never seen a pair of boobs before. The downside of being beautiful is that it draws creeps out of the woodwork and makes them feel entitled to treat me like a piece of meat. If Juni had been with me, she'd have jumped the table and whacked the grins off their faces. It wouldn't have been the first time. This is why I took on Laura: to help my daughter go through the early stages of growing up, and to help me overcome my low self-esteem. But my biggest fantasy is one of the guys seeing me as their doctor, and I prescribe them a strong laxative instead of what they need as a patient. In my dreams.
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I'm so sorry you struggle with this. This objectifying beautiful women while undermining their humanity and intelligence sickens me sometimes. It's one thing to be admired for your beauty, but another to cat call, harass, take advantage of, stigmatize, etc. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
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Being attractive had a negative effect on me for unwantingly becoming a man magnet. A series of failed relationships put me off them big time, and recently a non-starter relationship with my friend after ten years almost made me a recluse for fear of being hurt, over and over again. I recognised the friendship had turned abusive and jumped clear. Bbecause being beautiful can be threatening. In the past it sparked defence in me. Consequently I took lessons in unarmed combat which became useful over the years because self-defence is an advantage against the more unruly patients out to get a hit. Or when going home from work - was I being followed? Would I have to react again in self-defence? Once into my truck I'd feel safe again.
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Stalking and harassment are scary, indeed! Self-defense classes and "capable guardianship" (e.g., having protective tools or human supports) do help with many things, including preventing future victimization, but it's not fair that you are treated so badly for your beauty. Your beauty should be something you feel safe with. (((safe hugs)))
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Despite having low esteem, I learnt to become assertive. Assertiveness even stopped nastiness from other women, jealous because of my good looks. Walking into a room, girls would take immediate note of my presence and many of them would look resentful at my attractiveness. Rushes of jealousy became visible on their faces and I was met with everything from glares, stares and even bitterness. Still, my attractiveness is having to be constantly worked on, yet I have to look presentable all the time I'm on duty. It's a constant balance to look good when applying makeup, but not deliberately go out to look seductive.
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It's sad when people are jealous, too. In addition to those who noxiously admire your beauty, there are those who are jealous of it, from what you are sharing. That's harmful, too. They don't understand that it's not easy for you, and they don't see the harms that you've dealt with. They also don't know how to be happy for someone else. It's good to know that you have learned to assert yourself! It's also good to know that you have a wonderful family and support system. I'm so sorry, again, for all that you're struggling with.
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Citing Anderson and Nida (1978): 'Highly attractive people of the same sex were judged as less talented than average-looking people'. Consequently my becoming a doctor changed that perception somewhat except it was to my emotional cost of becoming very lonely, afraid to engage with people in a social way. An example of this was my medical talent has not easily been acknowledged.
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Stereotype threat DOES affect our abilities to think, perform, and regulate our emotions. There are studies on that, too, but fewer studies exist on how beauty is misjudged, especially the beauty of women. Women are not trophies to be won or objects to take possession of. Women are human beings with many talents and potentials. I'm so sorry that you struggle from the ill-mannered judgment of so many people. There are ways to overcome stereotype threat, and I think assertiveness training coupled with affirmations do help. There may be other tools as well, such as social support, but I'm not familiar with the other tools.
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Surely my looks would be just too good to be true for me to be considered as intelligent? Instead, newcomers froze at my dazzling smile and bewitching eyes, and they just can't get their eyes off me. And when I was with my best friend, she wouldn't introduce me to her boyfriend for fear of losing him to me. When I felt something was wrong and I asked, she admitted to feeling intimidated by my attractiveness, and then said it wasn't possible to be friends with me anymore. Oh well, that is life. But then, insecure and jealous women would love to see me fall. Consequently, this is why I needed to take extra care to protect myself, but at the same time not hurting anyone.
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Self-care is important, and so are affirmations. You deserve to maximize your potentials! You deserve to be treated with respect! You deserve to feel safe and be safe. I'm so sorry that all these poor judgments from others have affected you. It sounds like your strengths help you to overcome such adversities, but still, it hurts.
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I tried counselling, but it didn't help, though my best decision was wearing mirrored sunglasses to lessen the impact of being stared at. Men, even teenage boys would eye me in the street and wolf whistle. I'd avoid going near building sites, for those places are the worst and I would avoid sites like plague.
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I'm sorry that the bad behaviors of others have limited your freedoms. Toxic environments do exist, and it's sad when beautiful women are targeted in such places. I hope that one day you will have enough "capable guardianship" to be able to visit those places with minimal fear. I can definitely understand your avoidance, however. You are protecting yourself from likely harms, and I'm so sorry that vile people create toxic and threatening environments. You deserve freedom and safety, and it sucks when deviancy nearly ameliorates freedom and safety. They may not have morals or anything to lose, but law-abiding citizens with moral do in such cases, it seems. If anything, their behaviors should be illegal and sanctioned with incapacitation (jail/prison time).
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I'm blonde with piercing blue eyes, and each are ringed with dark edges. My eyes, beautiful as they are can look larger when I apply eyeliner and mascara and I like that look. But that never stopped people wherever I went, even in supermarkets. Consequently I retreated into myself, afraid for that fear returning: what would they do to me? My teenage years were painful, too, so I stayed at home and did extra studies, avoiding social media only because I couldn't be bothered or felt too tired. But the reality of being on social media was attracting all the wrong people who just want to get me laid, and that is why I developed a distrust even in my very closest friends.
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I am so sorry you struggled with that. You should feel proud of your features and free to be who you are without worry about your safety. I may not understand what it feels like to be beautiful (I'm not), but I do understand what it feels like to be an object and a victim. It's horrible, it's imprisoning, and it's isolating. I hope that your life is filled with more safety and freedom and caring others who admire who you are as a whole person, not just what appears beautiful on the outside, but what is also beautiful within. Both can be admired in a safe way, but it's hard to pick up on safe social cues when there was so much harm done in the past and so many rational triggers in the present.
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Some suggested I took up modeling, but why should I put my body out there to be objectified? So next time you see a hot woman, don't assume she's taken or has a full social life, or that she's never lonely. Because you never know what sad experiences lie behind that perfect smile. Shunning parties I stayed at home to study paediatrics. Being hit on by collagues (which is tantamount to sexual harrassment) in my previous hospital job caused me to be self-effacing, yet people wrongly assumed that my attractiveness would have the opposite effect.
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I'm so sorry you dealt with that trauma. (((safe hugs)))
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Looking back, I remember some went gone out of their way to harrass me on social media. And then there are those who find it easy to quickly hate me once they realised that I'm articulate as well as attractive. Because as soon as you possess a few of the traits most valued by our society - beauty, intelligence, a sense of humour, etc. - you have officially become the target of fuming resent. This was why half my activities was to work around that and try not to do anything to further aggravate the problem. And gradually, gradually, I realised the good things I was doing were bringing joy and happiness back into my life. And there came hope.
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I'm glad you found hope in the midst of such horrible traumas in your life - from harassment to cyberstalking and other traumas. It wasn't fair that you lost your freedoms to be, to explore, to engage with others without harm to you, but it's great that you were proactive with your ambitions and dreams. Still, no amount of success you've achieved should undermine the pain of all that you went through. Jealousy adds to those past traumas. I hope that your life is filled with people who are not jealous, but rather happy for you - as a person.
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Even when my daughter's minder Laura arrived, everything changed for the better despite it being only a short time. Now, being seen with her has put stop to this constant harrassment. Men still stare as they will, but they look at Laura and stay away. I've had to tell my daughter to wear sunglasses lest she receives the same treatment from boys, but she's far better about handling it than me despite inheriting my attractiveness. She also gave me permission to share this, lovely that she is.
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You're a great mother, and your daughter, from what you've shared with me, is very well protected and protective! You have a wonderful family, a strong family, and a safe family! Your family rocks! Your friend Laura rocks, too! 
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In the end I realised it would be best if I just go for a stroll along the beach with Laura and my daughter for company. Bubbly company. Linking arms with mummy company. Loving mummy because she is kind and caring and putting her daughter first before everything, and Laura loving being with me because she's already been there and come back from the nastiness of jealous people in the same situation, and laughs at life just like my bubbly daughter. Because that is how I define beauty in joy now. Joy and knowing happiness comes from within, and tough if no-one recognises that.
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I'm so glad you found joy, hope, and happiness, despite all that you've been through. You have a wonderful family and supportive network, and you all deserve to enjoy life and feel safe.  
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