I tried again over the weekend. I haven't seen a therapist in a bit, since trying to transfer to the new one (in the same building), and it's been a few weeks now, I think. Or, this week will make three unless I can magically get there at the time they set up (a time that I had written down as a no-go) on Thursday. Pdoc hasn't even been discussed as my gf made the appointment on her lunch at work for me. Another T appointment is scheduled for next Tuesday, which is another no-go time for me. As much as my gf made an effort to keep it where it'd work, just didn't happen. This place has become more and more inflexible, in every way, including the pdoc. Three month wait time...

You're right, I am in crisis. And a part of me, a big one, doesn't care to stop it. Like I deserve to be in this state. I'm trying so hard but I'm crumbling, it feels like it's come on quickly, but it didn't. My last T hadn't been helping for over 6 months and, unfortunately, was the one on call Friday. After that phone call I have felt so much worse. Anxiety, anger and depression set in hard. I was calling the on-call because the same day I had been to the ER - for my stomach that is still hurting bad enough to keep me in bed - where the staff sent me into a severe flashback and panic attacks. Not like they knew they were triggering me, but it was enough to get me to leave the hospital without much help. Then Saturday, at the request of my gf, I called the counseling office again to try and set up an appointment with the new T. They're open on Saturdays so I really thought it wouldn't be a big deal, apparently they don't make appointments on weekends.

I laughed hysterically after all of this, the whole time bedridden from my stomach. Now they've given me appointment times that don't work but if I don't make them work, all of this is my fault. I'm starting to think that IP would be a better option for treatment, but I doubt they'd admit me. I'm not suicidal or homicidal, by definition. I got the sui ideation, but I can be honest in saying I have no intent. I want help not death (for any member here who's known me a while, they probably see that's new and an improvement).

I'm wanting the help and wanting to get better, even making efforts that seems fruitless to do so, and the professionals I'd relied on... it feels like they left me in the **** because I advocated for myself. Advocated that I wanted a different AP than the one given because the one he gave has never truly helped (and it makes me have uncontrollable muscle movements). I advocated that I needed different therapy since I had been getting worse at a scary rate. I advocated and then got ****ing ditched, that's how it feels at least.

I just want to get better so I can work again. So that my gf doesn't have to stress so much. I want to get better so I'm not so ****ed up constantly. I'm confused daily, scared by the minute and on edge 100% of the time.

I'm hanging on by my fingertips.