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Oct 29, 2019, 11:35 AM
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Member Since: Oct 2019
Location: You'll never know
Posts: 940
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Twitch99
Sometimes i am asked "well what would you want therapists to do [If not try and force you into a hospital]?"
As of late I have been seeing images/thinking of how it would look if I killed myself in a particular way. Now I know if I told this to a therapist they would freak out and have me committed, but listen to exactly what I am saying rather than assuming and putting words in my mouth. I did not say I was going to kill myself. I only said I had been seeing in my head what it would look like. No I'm not having hallucinations. It's no different than walking into a room and thinking about what it would look like if it were painted a different color. Now ask me if I like having these thoughts. No I don't. But how would locking me up where I am left to sit around all day and do nothing but think would help? "It would keep you safe." I am as "safe" now as i would be in there. I know of at least 1 way possibly more, depending on how the facility is set up, to kill myself in there. That's just how my mind works.
I just want someone who would work with me and help me. Unfortunately that person doesn't exist, at least not around here.
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@Twitch99
((((safe hugs))))
I'm so sorry you struggle with that. I think I read and commented on one of your threads before (I rejoined PC under a new name - Lilly2 now). I used to struggle with similar issues. I was once handcuffed by police and involuntarily placed on a 3-day hold because of a misunderstanding. It wasn't an arrest, but a transport to a psychiatric facility, since that particular jurisdiction didn't call out the ambulance or other types of transports.
Many people struggle with suicidal ideation. And there are different forms of suicidal ideation. Some are from alternate personalities (DID - dissociative identity disorder), some stem from major depressive disorder (MDD), and others stem from other conditions such as bipolar (Type 1 or Type 2) or borderline personality disorder (BPD). Within each type of disorder, there are degrees between thoughts of suicide, or suicidal ideation. I think what professionals don't get is that some people constantly have those thoughts, and are often discharged from 3-day holds with those same thoughts still intact. The problem arises when outpatient treatments don't offer the kind of care needed to deal with CHRONIC suicidal ideation among certain populations, especially those who are tagged as "treatment resistant." Oftentimes, the laws for mandatory reporting outweigh the benefits of outpatient treatment, which sucks for some people like yourself.
I hear what you're saying regarding therapists not listening to what you're saying. Perhaps if you state something beforehand like, "I have always dealt with the following thoughts throughout my life, so it is not something new, nor is it something that I will act on. Instead, they are thoughts. Here are those thoughts...." --Or something to that effect. Perhaps that might make it more clear to therapists, but it might not, due to different mandatory reporting laws in different jurisdictions and/or institutions.
I think you had told me once that you never were offered coping skills treatments, such as CBT or DBT for suicidal ideation. That's sad, because those two treatments are very helpful for the symptoms that you describe. Medication might also be helpful, but then again, it might not. It depends on your diagnosis and whether or not you're considered "treatment resistant." Additionally, there are other alternatives to treating your symptoms, but I don't know what they are called off the top of my head. I'm surprised that none of your prior mental health providers took the time to truly listen to you, take a full psychosocial history, assess you, and properly diagnose you. Maybe there's something going on that you wouldn't know to share without them first asking you about other symptoms or other experiences. Maybe "treatment resistant" is largely due to missed symptoms and/or experiences, such as accidents, head injuries, trauma, medical procedures, physiological disorders, etc.
I hope you are able to find the treatment you need. (((safe hugs))) 
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