I have had some difficult times in my life, where I felt that the world wanted me dead. Of course, when I think of these things, I feel sad, scared, angry, but when I think about things that happened for a bit longer, it makes me think about how hard it is for everyone and how much I need and want other people, and makes me want to go around hugging strangers, calling everyone sweetheart, feeding them. Even if I had the social skills and confidence to pull this off without seeming creepy, the social skills, the confidence, the mood would pass, I would mess something up and get scared and back away, and people would be confused as to why I was so sweet for a while, only to switch to being distant. I don't always know what to do with my contradictory need for algorithms and clear boundaries and the feelings like this that spring up in me and the feelings that contradict them mightily.