|
First of all, my heart goes out to you, Christina. And thank you for posting the idea for this thread. It is so very, very valuable to have a place to grieve the losses that health problems have presented us with.
I believe that I was born with bipolar disorder. As a child I was severely depressed and anxious, with uncontrollable rage episodes and vicious migraines. The environment...my mother was seriously mentally ill and life was terribly hard for me. Back in those years a child was either a "good" kid or a "bad" kid and I never knew any child to receive psychiatric care, or even counseling (I'm 56). I certainly needed help with my mental health.
But I'll pare it all down and say that the harshest loss I feel is the weight gain from medication. I was always thin, and pretty. I was a dancer (ballet and modern). People would comment on my grace. I absolutely loved dancing and fashion, being creative with fashion.
After about ten years of antipsychotics I have gained exactly 143lbs. As a result, I am in constant pain, have arthritis in my knees, tendonitis, high blood pressure (and the side effects of hypertensive medication). High cholesterol and elevated glucose.
Last week a woman at the place where I'm receiving physical therapy told me about a store where "fat ladies like us" can find nice clothes. Then she laughed and said, "But we did it to ourselves, didn't we?!"
I died inside. How did I go from being lovely to being a "fat lady"? And I didn't do it to myself! I've always eaten a healthy diet. And I was never, never haughty about my appearance - I took it for granted. I was the first one to feel so sorry for women who believed they had to diet. I couldn't understand why they didn't like their bodies.
But now I understand. I mean, I don't hate my body...I hate that I've had to feed it God-knows-what stuff that's in pills that has made me gain far more than I weighed to begin with.
At the risk of sounding absurdly superficial I'll have to say that I grieve for my appearance - and for the better health that I had before gaining so many pounds.
__________________
|