So,I'm in a better place now. About a few years ago I went to a community college and I thought things would be great. Little did I know that the next 3 years of my life there would be essentially hell for me. There was this giant group and when I say giant I mean huge. They're all very social. Maybe 30+ people if you stack the last 3 generations of college kids together. But I dealt with each generation so it just stacked on me. They are toxic and I know that. They all call each other friends but I remember so many days when I would sit with them in the hall and not do anything for hours. They would just talk **** about people. They would call each other good friends but the moment someone left,someone else would talk **** about them and when they returned,they became two faced and called them a friend. Think of a giant Mexican standoff. They all have guns to each others backs. That's honestly how it looked to me.

Within these 3 years,these people have managed to have it out for me. For no good reason. I had an ex that was friends with some of them (you know where this is going.) And he talked badly about me after we broke up,when I didn't speak about him to my friends like that. With this,people speculated instead of talking to me. So this started people off with disliking me but this dislike grew over the years. Some of the members of the group had it out for me more than others. I had a former friend named S and his buddy let's call him F,in a sense they were the leaders of the group. They were the loudest (outspoken) of the group. I remember one day S threw a semi empty soda can at me for kissing my then boyfriend,now ex because he disliked PDA but he was cheering on his guy friend when his friend was getting hickeys in the middle of the hallway from his first girlfriend. Hypocrisy? F wrote in a group that they should tell my parents that I'm insane so I could be put in a mental psych ward and S said that was a good idea. I didn't do anything to S. I didn't do anything to any of these people. For the most part I treated the group with kindness. I would treat some of them and give them money for food or buy them food. I was there for emotional support. But at the end of the day they weren't there for me the same. Not even if I was crying. I remember crying once and I heard one of them tell the other (despite calling me a friend) "ignore her. don't say anything."

One of them in the group tried starting a rumor about me that I stole tournament prize money for me and my boyfriend because he lost and got 4th place and wanted the money. And I remember them enabling my ex's cheating behavior when he cheated on me twice. They literally ignored me as I sat in the hall and talked to him. No one said he did anything wrong. They also enable ****** behavior or unfaithful behavior like cheating. This one guy that was another former friend,he's A. He tried to cheat on his then gf,now ex,with me. He asked if I was on birth control after inviting me over to his place,after I was in a breakup. When I told his then gf,she threatened me and F called me saying,don't make this a bigger thing than it was and A is a good person. He told me don't make him out to be a bad guy. Um? He literally cheated on his then gf with almost every girl in that group,physically and emotionally. I was the only one who had the balls to tell her the truth and in the end that backfired and I lost a good friend.

Bottom line,I have had so many bad experiences.

Recently I got a job at a supermarket. I wanted to make my coworkers happy because to me,I love making others happy and seeing them smile. They all work so hard (the grind never ends,the job is tedious,we don't just stand at our stations and bag groceries, we rotate at different things,it's not just a grocery store.) My manager brought some of them ice cream last week and some of them loved it. Some didn't get to try and wanted to. There was a box of ice cream popsicles but it's costly. $9.59 for a box of 6 short tiny popsicles. I decided to buy it and split the 6 amongst my coworkers and they were all so happy and smiled. I have friends and some people telling me it's a nice gesture or I'm very altruistic (I gave a homeless guy last week $5 when he needed a buck or two) or sweet. In general for anything I do but everytime I do something that would be seen as "conventionally" or objectively nice from an outsiders POV,I tell myself no it's not a nice gesture. I'm not a nice person. I'm a horrible person. I'm a *****. I'm this or that. The last 3 years this group of people have tried so hard to drag my name in the dirt and mud and honestly at this point have just convinced me and hammered in my mind,that no matter what I do if it's seen as good or nice from the outside view,I'll always be a horrible person (when I was never horrible in the first place imo.) A part of me knows deep down inside maybe it was nice but I never want to physically admit it or say it. Because when I do,I just flashback to those moments with them and I'm just reminded,stay in my place. I feel like everytime I do something "conventionally" good,they will be in the back of my mind bringing up my past mistakes,or bringing up rumors about me. Because they're that toxic. They call themselves good people and I'm the bad one. I'm the villain. I'll always be the villain. I'm not good and I don't do good things. I can't bring myself to believe that buying ice cream near the end of the day for my hardworking coworkers,is a nice thing.