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Originally Posted by Twitch99
No I don't have any issues that interfere with daily life. I have been to a neurologist about my problem & he basically said it's in My head.
My job is both mentally & phyisically taxing. That's one reason I like it because it keeps my mind busy. If I goto IPP then that means i will have to go out on disability. Most likely Short Term. If I do that then they (the disability insurance company) has to know why. When I went out 4 1/2 years ago I found out, the hard way, that if you have depression you are no longer able to drive a truck for 6 months. If you're suicidal I'm taken off road for a year, then reevaluated. True I can't be fired for medical reasons but I can be cut from 45 hours a week (what i currenrly get) to 17 hours a week if I'm lucky.
I am 39 (not that much younger than you). In a way my problems are age related. I have been dealing with it for most of my life and now it's gotten to the point where I can't keep it inside and hidden anymore.
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@Twitch99
(((safe hugs)))
Thank you for sharing what you could with me. 39 - you're still very young! But yes, that's when midlife issues can arise.
You bring up an excellent point about the "confidentiality" of those with mental illnesses. There's no confidentiality in the diagnosis, at least not for certain jobs, certain graduate school applications, etc. So then, it comes as no surprise, that there are many who avoid mental health treatment for that reason alone - veterans, police, and other governmental employees included. I had no idea that truck drivers deal with the same issues. And only recently I found out that doctors, psychologists, social workers, and licenced counselors must disclose any of their mental illnesses on record, and indicate that they have managed or taken care of those issues (they're not supposed to have unresolved issues, according to some licensing boards). So, again, there's more than stigma at play when it comes to people avoiding mental health treatment.
And those who were involved in mental health, like me, who had otherwise great reputations, fell down the landslide and into a depression replete with complex grief over the losses of the many things that could have been had our records not been tainted and outed, as if we were convicted felons who had to disclose our past or present statuses just to apply for jobs, grad applications, etc. It's not right that we are, indeed, sometimes treated like criminals. In fact, they even have research on the criminalization of the mentally ill - those largely with misdemeanor offenses that really should have been handled through therapeutic jurisprudence.
Anyway, now that I've agreed with you there, and ranted myself, back to you....
(((safe hugs)))
Rumination of any kind is challenging to beat. It sounds like your thoughts of sui are actually morbid ruminations of it, like a disconnect, but a feeling all at the same time - correct?? If you've been relatively healthy all these years with no major traumas or losses, and no known neurological issues, then maybe what you're feeling is a form of depression, perhaps, or maybe depression and those morbid ruminations of sui. --If I'm wrong, then please, explain. I'm trying to understand, so this is how I'm interpreting it - primarily because I have DID (dissociative identity disorder), and I used to have a "part" who described similar things as you, which affected me, which felt different and disconnected, but still disturbing. Although, my conditon is much different, so I cannot fully understand what your condition is, apart from what you share.
When I read that you sometimes cry, I thought about how brave that is for a man to say, especially in this stigmatizing world! I also thought that it is noble of you to work on your marriage, even after you had an affair. I'm sorry that you are struggling with all of that, too. I have a dear friend who had an affair with this lady in college, but then he told his wife and they went to marital counseling, and now they are okay. With family systems issues or marital issues, both parties should be in therapy. That might be an option for you and your family, or you and your wife, since maybe some of the issues aren't really all on you; maybe having couples counseling or family systems therapy might be the best next step. You shouldn't be on an island by yourself dealing with all of these thougths and feelings; you should have some support from your wife and extended family members, if possible.
Apart from that, it sounds like you are relatively gritty (you persevere) and resourceful. You have strengths that prevent you from actual sui attempts, which is a good thing! This is why I kept telling every therapist I meet to please record not only psychopathology, but also my strengths, and the interactions of those strengths with my pathologies. Not all therapists do that. You could ask your next therapist to do that, even if they're not used to doing that. Strengths can include optimism, resourcefulness, spiritual beliefs/practices, resilience, posttraumatic growth, psychological hardiness, self-efficacy, etc. You may put yourself down a lot, but deep inside, you may sense that you are strong, even if your feelings and thoughts don't coincide with your beliefs. I hear strength in what you're saying, and I hear some fear and hidden grief in there somewhere.
I have no idea about the specific details of your thoughts of sui, but if it has been on your mind for 30 years, it sounds more like rumination or some form of intrusion. Then again, if you've been feeling depressed/sad/despondent before or during the times you've had these thoughts, maybe it became a "routine" for you over the years for some reason, which then turned into rumination, or some automatic (maladaptive) coping skill. Breaking that routine with its connected emotions might be tough, but cognitive behavioral therapy of some kind might really help, if medications haven't helped.
CBT comes in many different types, and coping skills are embedded within CBT.
DBT is another option, which also comes in different types.
You can maybe ask a therapist to see if either of the treatments are right for you (kind of like those pill commercials that tell you to ask your doctor if this is right for you, LOL, but seriously).
You sound like you have a rewarding but tough job, and that you have many years experience with it. I hope that you are able to use your work as a means to distract you from these thoughts, like you say. I also hope that you are able to come home, relax, enjoy family, or, if you are not able to actually feel enjoyment, at least find room to relax.
If you are sad and crying, your wife should be there to comfort you and support you. Friends could also be there, too. I think it's brave for anyone to cry. I'm still having a hard time crying real tears. I feel it inside, but its hard for me to express. For you to be able to express that speaks to your strength and authenticity. Please don't put yourself down; you have many strengths you may not be aware of.
If you want, I can share one form of CBT I learned for many different things, including "depression." It's a form that we used when I was in the trauma treatment center. I will wait for your reply, and if you say yes, then I can share it in a response post here.
I hope you have a good day today. (((safe hugs)))
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