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Originally Posted by Twitch99
Wow that's a long list. Lol let's give it a try.
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***Thank you for being brave and courageous enough to share your answers. I'll respond to the ones you answered in the affirmative. Also, the next time you speak with a therapist, you should have a list of all the answers to the questions that you answerd in the affirmative because that is the best way for a therapist to help you figure out the source of your sui thoughts, and the treatments that would be right for you***
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What age did you begin having these thoughts? 8 or 9 I guess no older than 10
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***Wow, that is such a young age! I'm so sorry that you were dealing with this for so long. (((safe hugs)))  ***
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What was going on around the time you first started having these thoughts? I don't really know. I was at camp where I was supposed to be happy & I remember thinking "I wonder what would happen if they came out one morning saw me.....(dead)
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***It sounds like the camp wasn't a pleasant experience, even though everyone around you had the opposite emotion. If you work with a really good therapist, the therapist would probably ask you more questions about this camping event, and what happened before the camping event, like at home or in school.***
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Did your thoughts worsen over time? Yeah I guess. 30 years later they are much worse now
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***I'm so sorry your condition worsened. This is probably due to a number of factors, including untreated depression, increased stress over the years, etc.***
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Did you experience any accidents involving head injuries, including even minor head bumps with no concussions? Yeah. Cracked my forehead open as a child. Had to get stiches.
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***Did this accident happen before your camping event, when you first had those thoughts? Did this accident happen after the camping event? Answers to these questions might be helpful for your therapist, primary care physician, a second opinion from a neurologist, etc. I'm so sorry that you went through that as a child, especially when the brain is still forming. Your frontal lobes are important for regulating impulses and making decisions, among other things (I think). If you had any frontal lobe damage, especially that went undetected, it could affect your mood, affect, personality, decision-making, executive functioning, and other factors that are related to depression, sui ideation, intrusive thoughts, rumination, etc. You should discuss this with your primary care doctor and see if you can get a referral to a neurologist or someone who can do a brain scan.***
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Were you on a sports team? This made me laugh. No. I have Zero athletic talent.
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***Even though you answered "no" to this question, the immediate reaction you had coupled with the thoughts you had might be helpful for your new therapist to know. Sometimes male role stereotypes get in the way of our esteem and how we see ourselves; those roles should NOT get in the way, but stigmas and bullying and pressure to conform all affect those who don't fit into stereotypical roles. You can ask yourself if you felt negatively about this, or if, like you say, you laugh because you "have no athletic talent." Not everyone has athletic talent, and that's totally okay - for anyone!  It's a matter of how you felt about it growing up. If you had a strong sense of self and what you wanted, and if those stereotypes didn't bother you, then more power to ya! That's a strength that can be identified. However, if you felt negatively about it, then that could also be a source of depression added on to the other potential sources of depression.***
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Did you experience childhood abuse or neglect? My older brother (by 19 months) was both mentally & phyisically abusive to me growing up. But that's typical. Older brothers always beat up their younger siblings.
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What you experienced was sibling abuse, a form of child maltreatment from your older brother (even if he was a little over a year older than you). You "minimized" your own pain in dealing with that form of childhood trauma, even if you didn't see it as traumatic. Sibling abuse is not always "typical," and gender role stereotypes for boys sends a limiting message that can affect how you feel about yourself and others. This would be an important topic to discuss with your therapist. This would probably count as the second traumatic experience in childhood, with the first being the head injury (accident and medical trauma).***
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What traumatic experiences have you had in your entire lifetime?
My 1st time going to an inpatient facility.
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Although this is the first time you experienced trauma, this would count as the third traumatic experience in your lifetime, with the head injury and sibling abuse being the first two. Experiencing trauma does not always mean that you perceive it as traumatic. Nevertheless, there are still effects to traumas when you experience more than one in your lifetime. Such cumulative traumatic effects can take a toll with every new trauma that occurs later, including traumatic grief/loss. I'm sorry that you experienced trauma during your IP time. (((safe hugs))) ***
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What losses have you experienced in your entire lifetime?
1 grandfather 2012 & my mother in law back in January
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***I'm sorry for your losses. (((safe hugs))) Those losses count as additional traumas, so it comes as no surprise that your sui ideation and depression would worsen over the years. These are important things to bring up with your therapist.***
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Do you often have headaches? If so, when did they first begin? Do your headaches come before, during, or after your thoughts? I wouldn't say often. I deal with migraines triggered by stress and hunger. They 1st started around 16 I guess.
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***The answers to this question would be important to discuss with both your primary care physician and your therapist. Migraines of any kind, even when stressed or hungry, might be an indicator of something else, including possibly symptoms to your earlier head trauma, since these particular symptoms began around 16 years of age for you.***
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What kind of education have you had?
Completed H.S. and have some technical training
What jobs have you had?
I've been at my current job for 20 years loading trailers and now as a courier
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***From your answers here, it sounds like you are consistent, educated, skilled, and functional in society. This should have been noted as a strength of yours, since you've been relatively stable with your goals an job. This is also important to mention with your therapist, because, taken together, your therapist should understand that you're not at a high risk for attempting sui, but that you are trying to find help with alleviating those symptoms, if not ameliorating them.***
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How is your current relationship with your wife, children, family, and friends?
That's difficult. My wife recently found out about some infidelity, but we're trying to work through it. She is pushing me to find help in order to save our marriage. I have no kids. I have a good relationship with my parents & I don't want to be in the same building as my brother.
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***I'm glad that you and your wife are trying to work through it. I shared in a different thread of yours about a friend I had with a similar issue. This is important to share with your therapist because current stressors can also affect your mood, self-esteem, depression, and sui ideation, etc.***
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Do you often think about the past?
yes
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***This is an important factor to tell your therapist. If you are ruminating about the past, experiencing intrusive thoughts about the past, or having recurrent memories about the past, such could all be linked to your mood, depression, and sui ideation.***
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Have you lost time or memories?
I don't remember.  lol yes I have. I had a nervous breakdown and there are still chunks if time I don't remember.
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***LOL, cute! It's great to see a little bit of your sense of humor. But seriously, a nervous breakdown followed by loss of time or memory could be symptoms of a mental disorder, or could be related to high stress and/or trauma that you experienced prior to a nervous breakdown. This is important to share with both your physician and your therapist. Your therapist might ask you more questions regarding what happened right before you had the nervous breakdown, and right after. Clues to that, coupled with the age and timeline of that, might be linked with a mental disorder and/or your sui ideation. I'm so sorry you had a nervous breakdown. I experienced a nervous breakdown and dissociative fugues/DID (undiagnosed at the time) when I was homeless and lost everything. Your situation may be different, based on your symptoms, but stress or trauma can cause lapses in memory or lost time. It is best to ask a therapist about that, and to explore what was going on during and prior to that time. (((safe hugs))) ***
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Do you have morbid and intrusive thoughts?
Yes
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***This is important to mention to your therapist. Your therapist might ask if you have these thoughts before, during, or after your sui ideation.***
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Do you ruminate over past mistakes?
Yes
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***This is important to mention with your therapist. Your rumination over past mistakes coupled with your thinking about the past indicates that you may have trouble embracing the present and the future. These thoughts can become habits that weigh you down emotionally, and they can be connected with your sui ideation and/or depression. Your therapist might ask you if you have these thoughts sometimes or all the time, and if they occur before your sui ideation.***
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Have you ever felt happy in your lifetime? If so, when and in what context?
Happy? No. Not sad? Yes
Have you ever had hopes or dreams or aspirations as a child, teen, or adult? If so, what were those dreams/aspirations?
No
What are you hopeful of today?
That I'll die at work so my wife can get the accidental death life insurance. Yes I know it's a very small chance but that's what I'm hopeful for everyday.
What are you grateful for today?
I don't really know
That's all I feel like answering now.
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***These final answers to the questions indicate that you've had a relatively low mood and poor outlook on life for quite some time, maybe all your life, including childhood. I'm so sorry that you struggle with these things and revert back to negative thinking patterns about you. (((safe hugs))) I'm sure your wife, friends, family, and maybe even coworkers would miss you dearly, and that they'd rather have you around than some life insurance policy. I'm sure many on PC would miss you, too. I would, even though I don't know you. It's sad that you think so low of yourself, and that you've minimized your own pain, wants, needs, and dreams over the years. These are all important things to discuss with a trustworthy therapist who will understand your need for OP only. It may take a while to fully face the good in your life, the good that might be too painful for you to see, but it's possible that you can heal from these things. I'm sure your family, friends, and wife want the best for you, and that "best" includes your being alive and learning how to be happy, even if you don't feel happy initially. There are treatments and solutions you can try, even though they are scary and triggering from past traumatic experiences while IP. I'm sorry you went through so much trauma and stress in your life. You have a lot more going for you than you realize! You have a lot of strengths, but no one has pointed them out to you before. I'm so sorry you went through all this. (((safe hugs)))***
Consider discussing these things with a therapist, psychiatrist, and/or primary care physician. Having more information to give your treatment team will help them find better treatments for you, and possibly avoid IP recommendations, since that is a traumatic experience for you.
I hope some of my comments helped. (((safe hugs)))
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