I had such a lovely session today. I had been feeling stuck and frustrated for weeks. This week I had two dreams about him. It seems that quite often when I find myself in a period of stuckness in therapy, I have a dream, and talking about it shifts something and I feel better. Like it articulates something I can't. That happened today.
I told him I had been feeling stuck and that his hugs had felt empty. He said he hadn't consciously noticed feeling disconnected. I told him about my dreams.
In the 1st dream, he had rescheduled a session and his room was open plan at the end of his kitchen/diner, basically with the 4th wall of his counselling room missing showing the rest of his house. Various members of his family wandered in (including his father, who I know has died irl) and I was annoyed with him. He didn't apologise, or do anything about it, and the only person who did was a random extended family member of his.
Second dream, he butt-dialled me before session and I heard a builder scamming him. I went into his garden. He was there with his wife but they were both much older, really elderly. I told his builder he should be ashamed of taking advantage of vulnerable elderly people.
T said the 2nd one seemed really simple. Like there was an unconscious call for help and I hadn't hesitated in coming to help him. He said it sounded like protectiveness. I said that's really interesting because consciously I think "I don't have to worry about T. T can take care of himself.". T said my dream challenged that.
We said the first one was all about boundaries. Including a literal boundary (the wall) being missing. I said he lacked authority in both - the authority to tell his family to keep out during the session, and the authority to tell the builder to p1ss off.
We talked about whether I don't trust him to hold the boundaries effectively, or think he might be losing that ability. I said that a few of the things he has said have made me concerned about the boundaries recently, and whether I can trust him to hold them. He said he was aware he had been taking some risks, and two images came to mind, one that we are walking along a tight ridge and it feels important to keep going, and another that we should rebuild that wall. He said he doesnt think the wall contains us, he thinks it boxes us in. I said "you dont think we can walk the ridge and rebuild the wall?" he said we can if we flatten out some of the spikes. I said "but we lose something?" He said "I think so". I said I felt seduced (I was reluctant to use the word) by what he is saying and want to say "f*** rebuilding the wall" because the ridge is exciting. T said that the me in the therapy room is okay with that, but it is the me between sessions that suffers and we need to do something that's okay for all of me. (It's weird how he was wanting to take risks when I was feeling cautious, and then we reversed roles - i pointed this out to him).
He kind of asked what, but could see I didnt want to list them all so he just asked whether they were concerned with the
I told him I felt much better him explaining that, because, due to my childhood experiences I do sometimes feel some doubt about whether he is able to hold those boundaries, even though I know he would never deliberately hurt me. I said perhaps the way I need to feel safer is that I need to be having meta conversations with him about the therapeutic purpose of what he is saying. T said that's like walking the ridge and minding the spikes, and that makes sense. I agreed.
I said I feel really in love with him. He said he is not sure how the risk-taking and the in love feelings are connected, and we need to look more at that. I agreed.
We looked at each other for a while. I said "I love you". He paused and said 'and I love you".
We stood up and hugged. I said "that didn't feel unremarkable or non-commital. He said it didn't for him either. We said goodbye and I left.