That is really tough. It is hard to tell. And sometimes therapy isn't a safe place and the therapist is wrong. And sometimes clients (myself included) don't want to change patterns of behavior that aren't helpful simply because they are used to them. And it's hard to tell which is which. And then there is also "abusive or unethical therapist" and "bad fit for me" therapist, which are different too.

I think that is often why people post on this board...to ask "am I misunderstanding this or is the therapist?" Or "is this ethical?" Then you can get different points of view. I have also hired therapists just to ask questions about the first therapist. I've also found that sometimes if you email one of the therapists on psychology today and are upfront with them about what you want they will give you a free 20 minute phone consultation. Ultimately though you have to trust your own instincts because you are the one that will experience the consequences.