Today we talked about having needs, email and cake. Here’s a tiny snippet of our conversation.

Me: I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been seeing you for two years now, and I’ve been trying to decide whether therapy has been helpful for me or not. This morning I was feeling sort of skeptical. I mean, it’s turned out to be something very different than what I initially expected. I was thinking about how it’s kind of like eating cake. Cake is really good and it makes you feel good in the moment, but there’s really no nutritional value and you really can’t have cake all the time or you’ll gain weight and get diabetes.

T: (Looking at me, nodding).

Me: So, if I want to be healthier, I should just cut out cake. It’s really not necessary.

T: Well, a little bit of cake now and then is good.

Me: I was thinking about how I wanted to email you on Sunday. I thought about it, but didn’t.

T: Why do you think you wanted to email me?

Me: Out if habit. I mean, I had a stressful week ahead and just considered emailing you.

T: So, you had a need?

Me: It wasn’t a need. I just thought it might feel nice to get a response. But I didn’t need anything. And I’m a fully functioning adult. I certainly don’t need to behave like a needy child. I’m not sure any of this behavior is actually helpful to me. I know how to stop it. (We both knew I meant by stopping therapy).

T: Yes, so it’s easier to just not have needs. That’s the way you’ve coped.

Me: Well, sometimes that’s just the way it works. I can’t eat cake all the time. It’s irresponsible, unrealistic and indulgent.

T: Yes, you can’t have it all the time, so you might as well not want it at all.

Me: Well, it’s sort of like when I eat cake. It feels good in the moment, but then I feel guilty afterwards.

T: (Something about how guilt might be a sign of growth).

Me: I’ve felt guilty about coming here pretty much since the first day I met you, so I’m not sure there’s any growth there.

T: I can see how you’re different today than when I first me you. You’re more comfortable.

Me: There’s an overhead fire drill that goes off periodically at work, usually for a few minutes at a time. At first, it was annoying and distressing, but now I barely notice it. It’s just natural to get used to things. You’re sort of like a fire drill. I’ve just gotten used to you. It’s not necessarily due to some miraculous transformation of therapy. Not everything that happens in my life is due to therapy. I mean, that’s sort of self-serving for you to think so.

T: (Laughing) You never would have said that to me in the past.

Me: Like I said, you’re a fire drill and I’ve gotten used to you. I think it’s called habituation.

The session actually ended well. Now I’m left feeling satisfied like I just had my piece of chocolate turtle cake. Later I will feel guilty about it, and by next week’s session I’ll be trying to convince myself not to have it again. That’s my cycle.