My instincts were numbed out so, yeah, I needed some help, some therapy(?) to un-numb them. And that was hard and painful but OK. But I was also numb to how therapists were using or engaging with me in the same people-pleasing ways I had learned in my family and did in my interactions in normal life -- but it's not like they helped me discover that and we talked about it. No, the therapists I had picked were those who liked my people-pleasing, ego-building ways -- it may well be that I unconsciously picked them for that. But if so it was unconscious so don't blame me on that part. Stuff I went into therapy with and, presumably, for.

When it all blew up -- and I didn't have close friendships or relationships in real life, so it wasn't a pattern I was familiar with in myself -- the therapists blamed me and I felt all the blame, and -- it was very unhelpful.

Based on several stories of seemingly successful, and seemingly unsuccessful, therapies it is seeming like it basically comes down to, can the therapist accept and deal with their part of the transference-countertransference tangle or can they not. Can they only get triggered, and deal with that in a number of possible unhealthy ways. The latter is bad therapy, and can be very harmful to clients. But the client frequently can't see that. I know I couldn't. My therapists probably couldn't either, but they were the one who were getting paid and who presumably were taught about this kind of mess and were supposed to know how to deal with it, only it looks like from what we have seen in this forum there are an awful lot of them who don't.

Have you checked out the list lilly2 posted on this thread

Pamphlet - In all clinics for Survivors of Unethical Therapy; what goes in it?

There might be some good clues in some of those articles, especially the "50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counseling" vs. "50 Signs of Good Therapy". Also Goodtherapy.org says they screen the people who sign up with them, so maybe that's a help, IDK.