Thanks for this thread Christina. Sadly, so many of us suffer this type of grief. For me I feel having severe mental and moderate physical (mostly) problems together is almost unbearable at times. I have Fibromyalgia along with Bipolar and PTSD.

All three have cost me jobs at different points in my life. I fought back and at age 32 I had an amazing, high paid full-time job as a Case Manager/Project Manager with an electricity company. My job was to help create and run a programme that would help people in severe financial hardship avoid disconnection. My college and I who ran the program even got the best team of the year award. The day I accepted my award and gave a speach to the whole company turned out to be my last day at that job. The Fibromyalgia was so bad I could barely get out of bed to check my mailbox.

Then the Bipolar got much worse and I’ve spent the last 9 years in and out of hospital. I did have a crap retail job at some point but had to keep taking too much time off. The last two years I haven’t even been able to study p/t. Usually I am a very motivated and capable person so being trapped by these illnesses is crushing. I do grieve the simple things like being able to be physically active at a high level, having a job that would buy me a house, keeping stable relationships, and having children. It hurts, and at times my frustration turns to rage.

In fact my session with my T yesterday was all about my repressed rage over this situation and the primary cause of it. I have been trying to be zen about it, and thought I was doing well, but on Tuesday snapped. I told my T I think I’m in trouble as the rage is close to being out of control. I don’t want to harm myself or others, but I do want to be reckless and push everything to the limit. Basically give up trying to be ‘good’ and responsible, and just run amok. My T and I are going to keep talking about this. He’s worried. I don’t care.

Oh, and all the medical costs and appointments, and hospitalisations. I’m sure there were more productive things I could do with my time had I been well. I’m 43. I want to turn this ship around and accept my lot. However, right now I want to scream and punch things.

Hugs to all suffering this way.