My Support Forums - View Single Post - Are there any self-help books for dissociation?

Lilly2 · Oct 31, 2019, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Good for you Lilly2, I like your assertiveness!

@Amyjay

Thank you. Although I am "me," my protective alters, Claire, Clarissa, and Michelle, were the ones who were assertive, LOL, but seriously. If it were me, I would have just went back to sleep and contemplated running away, or just putting myself down for not "getting it" well enough. I beat myself up a lot. I even wondered what it was like for those with schizophrenia to be told that their delusions are not real and all in their head, even if they admit those things, they are still suffering from the symptoms of it. I wondered how they are treated, too, and then I juxtapose those ponderings to my own sensitivities toward DID. Is this all in my head? Are my alters not real, even if they tell me inside that they are? Am I just failing miserably at integration? Did I do something wrong with my own treatment? Was I iatrogenically effected by "bad therapists who enabled me with accepting my alters through IFS therapy"? I've heard so many attacking-like statements and even tried to honor those statements in my own treatment. After I've exhausted all forms of alternative treatments, I've finally arrived at the conclusion that DID is something I struggle with.

I appreciate others' concerns in how my DID may affect them, just like how people with substance-use disorder affects other people, too. I even treated my DID like an addiction and tried desperately at one point to not be addicted. I realized later that DID is not an addiction, nor is it something I can turn on and off at will. It's automatic, unconscious, co-conscious (through treatment), and neurological in some senses regarding traumatic and autobiographical memory.

When I studied psychology as an undergrad, I read through articles in my spare time about Winnicott's false self, to see if I could make sense of my different identities. His theories didn't really resonate with me, and neither did theories on false memory syndrome, personality disorders, psychosis, narcissism in DID, somatoform disorders, conversion disorders, factitious disorders, and culture-bound syndrome. I tried so desperately to figure out what was wrong with me, and to explore alternative possibilities. I tried to work with therapists who didn't believe in DID, too. For 20 years (or more), I've dealt with different therapies. I'm now 45 and wanting to take my life back, similar to those with PTSD who heal and get their lives back. I want to experience that. I want healing. I want to feel feelings and not be afraid to express them without memories or alternate personalities reminding me of traumatic consequences to my expression of emotions.

I want to be able to have the same courage that my protectors alters do. My protector alters are there because there's something in me that is afraid to speak up, or afraid to feel so hurt that I fall into a deep depression. I want to live life to the fullest. I really do. I don't want to be sad and scared all the time. <Insert a little who is now crying in the background. She, Mary, says that she wants to have fun without pain, too.> It hurts to have all these symptoms that no one else sees or experiences, except for those who have DID and truly understand what it feels like.

Thank you for understanding. I don't want everyone to dislike people with DID, or for those who think that alters are "cool" because they have similar "alters" who are not part of dissociation, but maybe part of something else. I don't mean to minimize their symptoms either. I think it is great that they find similarities with DID alters, but when I come here to the Dissociative Disorders Forum, I want to feel safe and not judged. I want my littles and other alters to feel safe. I don't want to switch whenever I'm triggered by someone who sounds like the mean therapists we've had in the past, especially the lady who asked me and my alters to spend the night at her house. Memories of that time flood in whenever well-meaning people sound like her with their wording.

I get scared of being misdiagnosed again, also. I was trapped inside a seclusion ward because they thought I was dealing with dangerous psychosis that needed medicating. I was strapped to a hospital bed and all alone. I didn't know what they were going to do to me, and my trauma memories and alter's trauma memories made that experience worse. They didn't know that I wasn't psychotic, but at the time, neither did I. I had no idea what was going on with me.

My military experiences were at the forefront, also. I remembered military sexual trauma and then those in power who could do anything to me. Those thoughts and intrusions come to mind whenever I hear someone who disbelieves my disorder and symptoms. I was resilient back then, courageous even. But after the trauma in the military, I shut down, and I dissociated before I even heard of the word "dissociation." It wasn't until years later when I was diagnosed with DID. PTSD was my primary diagnosis, but I didn't know what else was going on, and I was too afraid to disclose to civilian T's my DID symptoms (hearing voices inside, losing time, blacking out) and my military experiences. I thought I had to keep my military secrets a secret forever. I was too afraid to go to the VA because I feared that I'd eventually bump into one of my abusers or someone else like them who could revictimize me at the VA the same way I was victimized in service. To this day, I fear men in military attire. I'm afraid to be in a room alone with them. I need someone safe by my side, someone who believes me.

I don't know why my DID wasn't detected until years later, or why I didn't detect it while in service or even prior. I was, on record, relatively healthy - both mentally and physically. I was brave, but today I'm not.

I wish there was a way to prove that all of this is true, that my DID is real. I'm tired of having to prove it. I just want to be healed.

It helps to know that I'm not alone, or that I'm at least believed.

I'm sorry that people deal with other disorders that are similar to DID, and that maybe they wanted some validation themselves. It's just the way they come across when approaching DID as a subject sounds really hurtful or judgmental, or both. Maybe there's friction between different people with different disorders, and that friction sometimes feels unsafe to both of us. It's hard sometimes when our DID disorder gets compared to other disorders, or to mainstream society who don't have mental illnesses.

I just want to curl up in bed and sleep it all off, because it's painful to hear sometimes. And that pain is not part of my healing, or at least it shouldn't be. I deserve to heal in a safe environment, even if some pain is involved.

I'm trying to have some courage writing this here. I just feel bad if me or my parts said something wrong. We stand by our reaction though because it happens too many times to count, and it hurts. We just want to say, "Enough already, let us be, please. Let us be in peace."

And then the sorrows of not having therapy for DID flood in soon thereafter. Peace from others doesn't mean peace within. DID remains, and so do we.