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Originally Posted by Wander
Thanks for this thread Christina. Sadly, so many of us suffer this type of grief. For me I feel having severe mental and moderate physical (mostly) problems together is almost unbearable at times. I have Fibromyalgia along with Bipolar and PTSD.
All three have cost me jobs at different points in my life. I fought back and at age 32 I had an amazing, high paid full-time job as a Case Manager/Project Manager with an electricity company. My job was to help create and run a programme that would help people in severe financial hardship avoid disconnection. My college and I who ran the program even got the best team of the year award. The day I accepted my award and gave a speach to the whole company turned out to be my last day at that job. The Fibromyalgia was so bad I could barely get out of bed to check my mailbox.
Then the Bipolar got much worse and I’ve spent the last 9 years in and out of hospital. I did have a crap retail job at some point but had to keep taking too much time off. The last two years I haven’t even been able to study p/t. Usually I am a very motivated and capable person so being trapped by these illnesses is crushing. I do grieve the simple things like being able to be physically active at a high level, having a job that would buy me a house, keeping stable relationships, and having children. It hurts, and at times my frustration turns to rage.
In fact my session with my T yesterday was all about my repressed rage over this situation and the primary cause of it. I have been trying to be zen about it, and thought I was doing well, but on Tuesday snapped. I told my T I think I’m in trouble as the rage is close to being out of control. I don’t want to harm myself or others, but I do want to be reckless and push everything to the limit. Basically give up trying to be ‘good’ and responsible, and just run amok. My T and I are going to keep talking about this. He’s worried. I don’t care.
Oh, and all the medical costs and appointments, and hospitalisations. I’m sure there were more productive things I could do with my time had I been well. I’m 43. I want to turn this ship around and accept my lot. However, right now I want to scream and punch things.
Hugs to all suffering this way.
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I am very well aware of that kind of rage. I’d love to say “ oh once you work through it in T you will feel better and won’t deal again” that’s a big fat lie. Its just going to pop up at times
All my life looking back when things would start to tilt and I didn’t know why at the time but I would spend hours being extremely active,it use to burn off a lot of my anger and helped with feeling depressed.
I’m glad you were honest with your T it is something that really needs talked about. Meanwhile put as many obstacles in your way as possible to keep you from doing things that you will have to make amends for and also forgive yourself.
Thank you for sharing
Stay safe I know your dealing with a painful hip, maybe a walk to the beach and have a good scream or dig a furious hole in the sand, pick up rocks or shells and just throw them in until you have enough.