This is so very kind of you and true in many ways. Thank you!

The frequency at which the memories come up for all of them has lessened. My 4 year old who was only 3 at the time brings it up the most. The memoroes mostly surface at night and he begins with 'Mommy, do you remember when you did the naughtiness when your brain and your heart were broken and you did xyz?'. We always talk it though and then he's ok. He in general seems less afraid and more matter of fact about it.

My oldest won't talk about it. He leaves the room if we bring it up. There have been times when I feel like he starts a question about it, but then he stops himself.

Last week my husband was watching a movie in bed. There was shooting and buildings were smashed. All of a sudden I saw my son's head pop around the corner. He then ran back to his bed. He was under his covers. He told me the glass breaking scared him. I asked him why and he wouldn't say. He said he sleeps under his covers all the time because he is scared. He woke up the night of my episode to me smashing an entire wall of picture frames in the hallway outside his room. I feel like he's still working through some PTSD like symptoms when he's triggered. We all are really.

My husband watches over me, but thankfully it isn't overbearing and it doesn't seem to be too draining. He trusts in those lifestyle changes you mentioned. My being proactive about controlling as much of this on my own as I can has really helped I think. I was so incredibly awful to him when I was sick. He became the target of my rage and I still have no clue why other than he was 'there'.

I didn't know if he could accept me again after everything that happened. He never faltered for a second though. He accepted me back into our home and loved and supported me the same. I feel incredibly fortunate.

I do blame myself for my part in creating a set of circumstances that allowed this to happen to us. I don't beat myself up over it anymore. Thanks for reminding me that serves no purpose. It is helpful to hear that from others from time to time. I agree that an episode that traumatic is unlikely now. I have learned a ton and I plan to use that knowledge as soon as possible should I ever need to in the future.

Thanks again. You've always supported me and it is deeply appreciated. I can connect with your grief as well. I think it is very wise of you to share it and kind of you to create a safe speace for others to do the same.