One week into my 30s, I have done some introspection.

So I am now 30 years (and one week) old and still single/virgin. But since my mother knew just a few months ago that she had Asperger's, and then knowing that I had it as well, I wonder if this is handicapping me in social interactions. Very recently I started reading about this, and it seems like many older male virgins (and perhaps older female virgins?) are single/virgin that long usually because of some sort of ASD.

I am now back home from my holiday. Just this Saturday I attended my regular meetup. But this time it was a Halloween special fancy dress party, although fancy dress was not mandatory. Maybe because on my trip I did not socialise very much but mostly kept to myself, I felt very awkward during this meetup.

I seemed to have given off an stern, reprimanding vibe, because it seemed like many people, especially the women, seemed a bit put off by my tone. But I really do not notice it. I do know that I do not know when people cannot hear me, unless they tell me. Then I speak much louder. But then they say that I am shouting. And I am brutally honest, am one of those "tell it like it is" people. For many reasons, here in San Francisco people do not like brutal honesty. But I cannot help it, that is just how I talk. I noticed though that way more people tried to avoid me, even excusing themselves to go to the opposite side of the room when I tried to join in a group to talk.

There was one moment where this woman introduced herself to me after having stared at me with a strange look for more than twenty times throughout the meetup. We talked for a while, and she wondered why I had two books sticking out of my jacket pockets. I said that those were language textbooks that I read on the way to the meetup, since public transit is painfully slow here. She asked about my languages, and was impressed when I explained my foreign languages that I knew. The conversation seemed to somewhat flow, at least.

However, soon the DJ arrived and loud, blasting music was playing in the venue. The dance floor opened up, and the music was as loud as if I were on the tarmac of an aeroport waiting to board my plane and heard the engines running. Eventually everyone started dancing, including her. I just stood there, as stiff as the Rock of Gibraltar, with people dancing all round me. She then asked me, "What is wrong? Why are you not dancing?", and I just froze. I had a very bad flashback to when I was around 12 years old and at a school dance for students in the last year of my primary school. At that time, the same thing happened-a girl asked me to dance and I froze like a rock. Almost my entire class looked at me, and some male pupils tried to teach me in real time how to slow-dance with the girl. But I could not do it, inviting more embarrassment and ridicule. All of this returned to my memory when the woman asked me to dance during this meetup. I just stood there for over a minute. Then the woman seemed to feel pity for me, and said, "Please, just try to dance." I said, "No, I cannot do this." She said, Just try. Just try. It is not hard. Just give it a try." Again, I froze like a rock. I just stood there for five minutes in my own world, stiff and not moving with everyone dancing round me on the dance floor. Eventually, feeling completely out of place, I quietly left the dance floor and exited the door of the meetup venue. I felt the incident that happened when I was 12 repeating itself just two days after my 30th birthday.

It is during times like these that I feel completely lost in how to remedy my social awkwardness. It certainly is destroying my dating life (or whatever even existed of it).