Hey, 'real me' is back.

Felt so useless, unworthy of noticing, pathetic and needy most of the day - hence earlier posting. I had a good look at myself and even though I felt that stuff, at the same time glimmers kept peeking through saying it wasn't true.

I feel ashamed to admit that I felt like a little kid who wants more and more of her mummy's love and at the same time feels she doesn't deserve it.

For mums love, read kind and caring ppl who accept me where I am and understand depression. Its so new and nice to find this place, its like something I could only ever have dreamed of !!

Even as I write negativity is coming but I am not listening to it - I will trust my own true feelings and stand by what I write.

I think I have started today to make the connection which is, like, so obvious about depression. Viewing it as an illness - ppl have said this to me a lot and in theory I understand it. But that total realisation has not happened - its so interesting that I have been thinking all day about it.

I pictured depression as being like a disabled arm (just an example) that hurt and looked disfigured. I have spent years of hating that 'arm' and kept it covered up, most ppl never knew it was there, I was ashamed of being judged because of it, or rejected.

The pain the 'arm' caused relates to so many negative and cruel thoughts and beliefs I have ingrained in me, but they are a symptom of a disability and flare up just like physical pain could flare up in that 'arm'.

If I look at it like this, I feel it is a start to accepting that it is part of me, cos as much as I hate that 'arm', it is mine and I need to learn to live with it - even be kind to it and take care of it ?

As for what has caused this change - who knows the exact cause, but I think having you all here has certainly been a major ingredient in the mix !!!!

So you are already so special to me and I havent hardly been here a month ! This is quite scary to admit but, no pain, no gain - .

How long did it take you to realise it was an illness ? I would like to know if others have had this 'revelation'.

Its such a shift in perception for me and could be a turning point ? Hope so !

keep on keeping on, all of you .......Poppet