Quote:
Originally Posted by fern46
I was hallucinating and watching my children disappear before my eyes. He was standing there. At the time my brain decided he was evil and he had some sort of magical power to take my kids away. Maybe that was my subconscious processing the fact I was going nuts and he had to hide my kids from me. 
Relationships are so very complicated. Only you know what's best and if the good is outweighing the bad. I think what we go through is incomprehensible on some levels. I don't blame him for not being able to fully understand  |
I had some of the same themes happening during my worst episode though mine were mostly religious based. But, for example, he went to the grocery for me one day and I just wanted him to buy regular groceries but he went to GFS which is a bulk store instead. Well, I was enraged. I started frantically screaming at him and throwing things. This type of thing stands out in my head. However, this isn’t what he had trouble recovering from. He could clearly see that I was sick at that point and understood and just wanted me better. But, when that psychotic mania turned to deep depression that lasted year after year, he started to think that it wasn’t fair for me to sit my “lazy ass” on the chair while he works his butt off every day. He really took it personally and still does whenever I get depressed and can’t maintain my routine. I do get it though, it would be frustrating for anyone.
As for my therapist thinking I should give him an ultimatum, there are other things. Although he has gotten much better, he was and can still occasionally be downright nasty and hateful to me about my weight gain. Despite the fact that I was ALWAYS skinny or average in the 9 years he knew me pre meds, he insists that I should have total control over it. He has outright said I’m fat, and just made lots of fat shaming remarks. He will say things about that and about the laziness in front of my kids. And also, while he’s mostly a loving dad, he can still show that same kind of blunt, almost shocking language to my kids, screaming at them for completely irrational things like messes and total accidents. He can just be nasty as a snake. He gets it honest though because his dad is 100% worse and that’s who raised him. But, it’s like I tell my therapist all of the time, the vast majority of the time he is a goofy, fun loving, big hearted guy. He just has a temper from hell and sometimes irrational expectations.
She thinks I should tell him he needs to go to therapy or I will leave or something of that nature but I can’t make that threat because I don’t think it’s bad enough for me to follow through. I do wish he’d get help though. It would do him so much good.