My Support Forums - View Single Post

Lilly2 · Nov 01, 2019, 03:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I was diagnosed post education and after I had "become" successful. Since diagnosis our work has definitely suffered. So I don't know that I would be much help. The year leading up to diagnosis and since then has been quite messy. We obviously still have it in us to do good work, but personally I most often have no idea what I am doing and it all feels WAY too hard.

@Amyjay

Do you think I can ever successfully complete grad school? My mentors don't know (and will never know) about my DID, but they all recommended me, and one is in the process of writing an LOR this weekend. I only have my personal statement to write (which is taking me some time) before I complete my application. I've already interviewed with two people who really like me. I'm afraid of failing after I get in.

And then, even if I do graduate successfully and go onto a doctoral program, I worry about that. And then, even if I successfully graduate from a doctoral program, I fear about my ability to actually work. As a veteran, I get priority hiring for governmental jobs, but the kind of work I'd be going for is high-ranking, though I'd only want to work part-time in my role or find employment through non-profit organizations, unless I start one myself and work with external IRBs. --Those are my dreams, but I'm scared of having my dreams squashed. I want to be supported, but I'm scared.

Maybe undergrad was easier for me, since I did well and got honors, etc. But grad school is another thing, more professional. And then careers are even more taxing, so I can understand how people with mental disabilities have difficulties when it comes to their embarkment on early careers, etc.

I feel like a little child in and older person's body who is walking into every arena like some wide-eyed girl in pigtails; the person I knew before military trauma is gone.

I'm not brave or strong anymore. I've been stuck in this little girl phase ever since. I cannot see myself as an adult unless I'm doing bills or standing up for myself, and even then, there are alters who switch over and show me how it "should be done."

I don't know what happened to me.