This will be a very long post so please bear with me.

I need to explain the details thoroughly since it's a pretty complicated situation. My family is very dysfunctional and I really want to get some outside perspective and advice on this.

I think the best way to explain this situation is to go by each person in our family of four: my father, my mother, my sister, and me. To fully understand the situation, every perspective has to be read. I'll also title each paragraph with the key-point to hopefully make it easier to read.

My father:


He grew up in a very violent and crime-ridden area where he got into fights constantly. As a result of this, he can be very aggressive and confrontational. Even if he doesn't mean it, he can definitely give the impression of aggression. Sometimes, it can be a simple conversation where he will get loud and talk over my mother and me (we tend to be quieter so we can have trouble getting a word in edgewise).


Early to mid 2015, his father passed which he took pretty hard as they were very close. Ever since then, this aggressive side of him has gotten worse. I believe it's because he would confide in his father. Apparently, my grandfather was very similar to how my father is around his age. All I ever knew my grandfather as, was a very nice, upbeat, and rational guy. He knew how to calm my father down and with him gone, my father doesn't have that emotional support to fall back on.

Alcohol

A more recent thing has been his alcoholism. He's not your stereotypical drunk that slaps his wife and children, but I believe he can be emotionally abusive. He comes home in a relatively good mood most of the time. As the night goes on, he gets louder, slams doors, and even throws things. This is due to him drinking shots of straight vodka throughout the night. We've talked to him about this and I have expressed how it hurts me to see him doing this to himself. He listened for a little bit, but seemed to bounce right back to the same habit.


I understand the source of his stress. His sister/mother (they live together) are struggling financially and recently his sister spent some time in jail for drug possession. My mother isn't the best at cleaning up around the house and my sister has some social issues as well as academic trouble (as a 5th grader). I'm the worst of all when it comes to social skills and getting out of the house, but he doesn't berate me as much. Potentially because I'm taking online college courses instead of doing nothing.

Threats

All of this said, I understand him and appreciate all of things he does for our family. I just don't support how he takes out all of this stress on others. He has called my mother "a piece of ****" (loud enough/within earshot of my sister and me) and several other terrible insults on rare occasions. What worries me most is the way he treats everything like a street-level threat. He recently used phrases like "Don't try me" and other vague threat-like phrases that seem to insinuate violence. I don't remember the exact wording, but he essentially said to my mother, that if my sister and I weren't in the house, an argument they had would have gone down very differently, saying vague phrases like "you already know what would have happened" or something to that effect. It was as if he was responding to an enemy gang with his tone and choice of words.


So far, none of these situations has ever ramped to violence against a person. The farthest he'll go is throwing/breaking an object such as a shot-glass, a remote, or a pill bottle. On one drunken occasion, he removed my mother's door from it's hinges with a screwdriver because he thought either my mother or sister slammed it (something he has told my sister not to do- slamming doors). He only put it back on the door frame when I came out and kinda whimpered at him to stop.

Still Appreciate Him

He definitely likes to talk, but his actions are usually very generous and kind. He deposits some money into my bank account every week, helps out his sister/mother with bills/groceries, and is a very selfless person overall. I think the main issues have always been his anger issues and how he handles his emotions. He admits these faults (which I respect hugely) but doesn't change his behavior, which I think needs to change for all our sakes including his well-being.

My mother:


A large source of my father's stress has been my mother. My parents do not get along very well. She is an unemployed house mother with some anxiety problems that can get in the way of everyday situations. I believe my mother's main issue is not asking for permission from my father to spend money on certain things and she sometimes slacks with upkeep around the house.


She is not a very big spender, but she does like to buy a ton of apps, movies, or audio-books which can add-up very quickly. I've overheard my father talking to her about how she needs to stop so he can assure there is enough money in the bank account to get us through the week. However, since he can come off aggressively, my mother seems to continue this behavior behind his back.

Rift in Parents Relationship

This issue creates a weird dynamic where my father scolds her as if she was his child. When she goes behind his back, she also acts as if she is a teenager rebelling against her parents. When they are not arguing, they act like young friends talking about all sorts of things. However, my parents aren't very affectionate. My father started sleeping in another room a while ago and also started using a different bathroom.


My sister is a very sloppy kid and can leave a surprising amount of messes throughout the house on a daily basis. I understand why my mother doesn't want to pick up after her all the time, because my sister can be overwhelmingly messy. I'll admit I should do more. I do some clean around the house here and there, but not as much as I feel I should do. But my dad unfairly puts this all of my sister's uncleanliness, this leads into another issue that my parents dispute over.


My mother is usually very lenient with my sister's behavior. She'll yell and make a fuss with my sister, but doesn't punish her much beyond that. Their bickering can sometimes sound like siblings instead of a mother and daughter. My dad is the opposite for the most part. He constantly scolds her for her cleanliness and bad grades which can develop into lectures or even spankings and yelling. Understandably, this clashing of parenting styles causes them to butt heads all the time when it comes to discipline.

My sister:


My sister has some social issues when it comes to her family most of all. Being so young, I believe she can grow out of it like I kinda did. However, it may be surprising some of the issues that she has had and still has to this day.


Back before most of these issues were occurring, she had a period of time where she would not talk to our father. She was maybe 5 at the time. She had been talking to him before, but all of the sudden, she just stopped. We believe it was due to a time where she was spending the night with me at our grandmother's house, but got home-sick. My dad came back to pick her up and then sometime around that whole incident, she stopped talking to him. It was a long process, but she eventually worked her way up to whispering and then talking again.


To this day, she will only whisper to adult family members outside of our household. She seems to have less of a problem talking to complete strangers such as cashiers or restaurant employees. My parents have had a school counselor (I think- not sure of the details) talk to them, but the only useful information they got out of it was the name of the social disorder that the school believed my sister had.


Her social problems are less apparent at home. She is very loud and extroverted and has no problem talking endlessly about random things to my mother and me.


She is less like this with my father. She has tried to joke with him and he has tried to reciprocate her crazy sense of humor. However, due to his frustration with her, he'll often end up lecturing her about something. He understands her social problems less that my mother and I who have had experience. He will try to respond to her like one would to a (frankly) normal child, but she has problems with responses like these.

Example of their disputes

For instance, if she shows someone her artwork and you then compliment her, she may awkwardly tell you to shut up or call you stupid. This is often with an embarrassed smile on her face, but I think she genuinely does have a hard time accepting compliments. With her, I've found it is best to ignore these somewhat rude comments. Instead, my father harps on them and won't let them go. This understandably creates a divide between them.


Another thing with my sister, which seems to have at least slightly improved over time, is her cleanliness. She often leaves plates and cups lying around and doesn't bother to clean up after herself. She does this in a very defiant way. I've told her not to this, but a lot of the time, she insists that she can do whatever she wants.

Nastiest Incident

The absolute worst instance of her sloppiness was from a few years ago. My dog suddenly started having an awful behavioral problem of going to the bathroom inside the house. My sister would knowingly ignore the dog pee/poop on the floor without telling anyone or making sure someone cleaned it up. Keep in mind, she was never forced to clean this up. It didn't seem to do this out of spite against anyone. It was as if she didn't see it as a big issue. Fortunately, it has never been that bad since, but she can still leave behind some pretty disgusting messes of her own. I think it is mainly attributed to laziness and not understanding how nasty some of her actions can be.

Me:


This one may be the easiest to explain because I know more about my own thought-process than I do my family’s thought-processes. I am currently a college student and taking online courses. I graduated high school and then took a gap year. I have never been employed. I have a license, but I rarely drive (only once or twice by myself). I constantly stress over social situations and have very little self-confidence. I sit at home and do the bare minimum to get an A-B in College.


I spend most of my time on my computer where I game, watch shows/videos, or just browse the internet. However, I still don’t like to have long sessions at my computer where I sit still for hours. What I like and try to do is get out of my room and see what my family is up to. My sister and I like to play/solve ISpy books, play around with Snapchat filters, or just look at memes together. I like to join my parents conversations. I like to joke around with them.


Lately, the arguments between my parents, or even my parents and sister, really make me want to avoid leaving my room. I feel this dread and anxiety whenever I hear one of them get loud with each other. I’m worried it will be another long night of arguing. Sometimes, they’re not even arguing. I’m just so jumpy because of how frequent the arguments can be. These arguments can be every other day and they can ruin everyone’s mood, even if they’re not directly involved. My sister may be the one who is least affected by it (that or she hides it very well). It seems she has gotten way too familiar with the yelling and anger that she gives the impression that she is hardly fazed by it.


I am very non-confrontational person. Sometimes, I’m walked all-over (never to a point where I’m angry about it) and I don’t stand up for myself often. I have trouble putting my foot down and saying how I really feel. I believe my sister and I have that in common. We both have trouble expressing our emotions without feeling awkward and uncomfortable.


Potentially not relevant but related to anxiety- I also get panic attacks when I’m feeling unwell, or watching someone else feel unwell. For example, I could be watching a TV show where someone gets seriously injured which can trigger a relatively small panic attack. This best I can explain it is that I my mind tries to imagine how agonizing or painful that situation must be and as a result induces a panic attack. However, I’ve gotten better at recognizing my triggers and stopping them before they happen. Recently, I’ve had one during an online proctored exam which I think was caused by me putting too much pressure on the thought that I might fail (which I did).


I also think I have been lazy recently and have been using my social anxiety as an excuse to not get a job, drive, or even just talk with other people my age. My social anxiety causes me to freeze-up and over think nearly everything I do. I beat myself up over the smallest awkward incidents. As a result of my fear to face these social issues, it’s caused me to procrastinate on becoming an independent adult.


I think the biggest issue that is holding me back is my fear of driving. Nearly 2 years ago, one of my worst fears came to life when I scraped against several cars when parking (driving by myself). Nothing serious ever came of it, as out of a complete panic, I left without even so much as a note(which I realize was a very terrible thing to do and it is probably the biggest reason I beat myself up over this). I left the parking lot and met up with my dad who calmed me down and was very understanding and caring about the whole situation.


This whole situation shot my nerves and I have not attempted parking in a space between two cars since. I realize that all of this may not sound like a big deal to the average person, but this is an example of how bad my anxiety is. I feel that if I can overcome this hurdle and conquer my fear of driving that, with time, the rest of my social problems could fall into place.

Final thoughts: I am aware that this is a crazy amount of information to put into one post. It’s probably longer than any essay I’ve ever written. I wanted to get this off my chest and hear other's thoughts on it. To do that, I wanted to explain as much as I could, so you guys can understand where everyone is coming from. This whole thing is a pretty crazy situation to be in.

I also tried my best to explain everything as unbiased as possible. I guess most people are still going to have some bias when it comes to family, so try to understand that everyone in this situation has their problems and I’m not trying to favor one person over others. Therapy has been brought up a few times, specifically in regard to me. However, due to money and other things going on in our lives, we have not sat down and discussed it in-depth. The reason I’m doing this is to get some insight, suggestions, and advice from anyone at all. There's still probably a lot I left out, so if there's any questions, I'll do my best to answer them.