Quote:
Originally Posted by cashart10
I had some of the same themes happening during my worst episode though mine were mostly religious based. But, for example, he went to the grocery for me one day and I just wanted him to buy regular groceries but he went to GFS which is a bulk store instead. Well, I was enraged. I started frantically screaming at him and throwing things. This type of thing stands out in my head. However, this isn’t what he had trouble recovering from. He could clearly see that I was sick at that point and understood and just wanted me better. But, when that psychotic mania turned to deep depression that lasted year after year, he started to think that it wasn’t fair for me to sit my “lazy ass” on the chair while he works his butt off every day. He really took it personally and still does whenever I get depressed and can’t maintain my routine. I do get it though, it would be frustrating for anyone.
As for my therapist thinking I should give him an ultimatum, there are other things. Although he has gotten much better, he was and can still occasionally be downright nasty and hateful to me about my weight gain. Despite the fact that I was ALWAYS skinny or average in the 9 years he knew me pre meds, he insists that I should have total control over it. He has outright said I’m fat, and just made lots of fat shaming remarks. He will say things about that and about the laziness in front of my kids. And also, while he’s mostly a loving dad, he can still show that same kind of blunt, almost shocking language to my kids, screaming at them for completely irrational things like messes and total accidents. He can just be nasty as a snake. He gets it honest though because his dad is 100% worse and that’s who raised him. But, it’s like I tell my therapist all of the time, the vast majority of the time he is a goofy, fun loving, big hearted guy. He just has a temper from hell and sometimes irrational expectations.
She thinks I should tell him he needs to go to therapy or I will leave or something of that nature but I can’t make that threat because I don’t think it’s bad enough for me to follow through. I do wish he’d get help though. It would do him so much good.
|
That's a really tough situation. I can imagine it would be really painful to hear those remarks. I can also see how it would wear on your children and potentially set the stage for them to continue the same behaviors when they become adults.
It sounds like he genuinely loves you and he's willing to support you through your worst times. You seem to do the same for him. That's really beautiful and an important aspect to any marriage. It is invaluable actually.
I work a lot with teams in regards to helping them recognize issues and addressing them so that they can perform better. Families are teams. I will say this... In my experience, it is important to recognize issues openly and put our best effort forward to try to change them for the better. So in your case that's doing all you can to be proactive with the mania and the depression and maintaining as healthy as possible of a lifestyle as you can. That doesn't mean dropping all the weight. It means recognizing it and making some sort of effort to improve. For him that might be going to therapy, or it might be simply just being open to feedback that his behavior is hurtful. It might be apologizing when it gets out of control. It might even just be admitting to your family that his temper gets the best of him and he doesn't really mean the things he says.
I think the goal is to simply show good faith and effort towards growth. Teammates are able to accept and deal with a wide array of dysfunctional behavior when they feel like everyone is acknowledging the issues and at least doing something to improve. Even if they are angry. Even if they are sad. Even if they know it won't fix everything.
The worst possible outcome occurs when teammates clearly see the problems and they move into acceptance and then ignore them. Their apathy toward growth is like a cancer and it eats away at the goodness of a team from the inside out.
I know that's maybe a lot to process, but I'll wrap it up with this. Ultimatums are harsh and are typically rejected by everyone. Nobody likes being told what to do. However, opening up about how issues make you feel and asking that someone seek to help make things better somehow in their own way usually creates forward motion in a positive direction.
Just my 2 cents. As always, only take whatever resonates and discard anything that feels like it would hinder your situation.