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Nov 01, 2019, 09:52 AM
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Member Since: Oct 2019
Location: You'll never know
Posts: 940
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizardlady
Lilly, I've been reading some of your posts about DID and wanted to offer you encouragement. I have/had (?) DID. I'm integrated so I'm not sure what tense to use.
Anyway..... I returned to college as an undergrad in my 40s, went on to complete grad school and became a licensed therapist. I never told any of my professors about my diagnoses, but I did tell a couple of classmates who became friends. I'm told by clients and coworkers that I'm good at what I do. I firmly believe that my own struggles help me empathize with clients.
My advice is to go for it hon. I was scared at times. I wondered what the "heck" I thought I was doing a lot. I kept coming back to a story a lady in the non-traditional students (code for old farts) office told me. An 80 year old lady applied for admission. Her friends told her she was crazy because she'd be 84 by the time she graduated. Her response? "In four years I'll be 84 whether I go to school or not." She went on to earn her degree.
Going to repeat myself... go for your dream hon.
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@lizardlady
Thank you so much!
I decided to do research instead of clinical training. I'm scared of the clinical training because I'm scared of secondary trauma, or being a horrible therapist.
I also decided to change majors to another field because I completely had a falling out with my clinical psychology mentor, who wasn't so ethical with me in the sense that he was trying to act like my therapist, and also in the sense that he doesn't believe in DID. We butted heads. He also doesn't like to actually do therapy; he only likes doing research and teaching. Anyway, he had me sending him emails about my trauma, and then blamed me for practically freaking out over the emails I was sending him, and then blamed me for him burning out, etc. I was doing great until I had lack of supervision (mentor neglect) on my post-bacc work for research, no writing help, brain drain from writing "journals" in emails to him for about three years, and getting constantly triggered with things that I shared with him and not even my own therapist. Then he said that I reminded him of his early childhood trauma, and that he'd never recommend me for clinical psychology. I think he spoke with my T at the VA, so then my T at the VA told me that I'd never be a T. I left that T and reported her for that, because I had wasted all that time for nothing. My condition worsened, and I felt really sad. The whole three years was crazy-making to me. The mentor had counter-transferrence issues with me; I thought that only happened in therapy. I freaked. I can never show my face again. I quit the APA membership as a student-affiliate, and I was depressed for nearly two years. I never went online to any groups, and I felt bad for having DID and other things that nobody believed in. I also felt bad that my trauma story triggered my mentor, who now hates me - literally, he does. I published with that man, too, which makes it all the more embarrassing for me to have to explain to anyone who asks why he isn't one of my referees. I feel ashamed and can never go into any psychology field. 
So, I chose a different field, and I have good mentors from other fields.
I do have a really nice professional development mentor, but she's short-term and a clinical psychologist (research mainly). She has helped me with the transition out of psychology, though she did state that it's possible for me to still try for clinical psych. The thing is, I'm so traumatized from the therapy abuse in the distal past with some lady that had me spend the night, and have sessions in her bedroom, that I think I'd suck at clinical training, and maybe that's why I failed with the clinical psych mentor, even though he was also unethical, as I found out from another T I had at the VA.
I was doing great as an undergrad and got awards and honors with nearly all A's. I don't even know now if I could pass a class in grad school let alone get back to the same academic I was about 5 years ago. I'm sad and scared of everything.
It helps me to know that you are a therarpist and have DID. But I'm not fully integrated. I don't know if I can ever get integrated. I feel like I've failed at that, too. I tried to be my own therapist at times, but then I'd wind up speaking with an alter for help. LOL, but seriously. I just want to be well enough for research at least, since the clinical psychologist mentor scared me out of the psych field.
I have some hope now.  Thank you!
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