I chatted with someone from the National Domestic Violence Hotline and was given really good information and even a safety plan for how to avoid sexual assault and I was given some addresses of local places I can go to for help...
I feel really bad for being so difficult
I just don't feel like I am ready to leave him
I planned to spend Halloween day with him but I ended up having an "episode" I guess (I am diagnosed with schizophrenia and PTSD) and I had a massive flashback with tears and disorientation and he tried to help, but all he could really think about was having sex so the moment I started feeling like I was 'back', he started talking about all the sexual things he wanted to do to me
I also have my first pap smear scheduled today adn that caused me a lot of anxiety and flaring up some symptoms... I texted him almost all day yesterday (since he decided to give me 'space') and I told him I was really scared of the pap smear and his response was "You'll be okay OMG"
I almost had the nerve to tell him that I was done with him... but I feel stuck
We don't live together, but I find that the time we spend apart makes me miss him because I realize how lonely I am without him
I'm really trying to get better and I know e doesn't love me the way I love him