It seems my stomach issues are linked to the PTSD. I thought I was going well but since Tuesday PTSD symptoms are coming at me hard and fast.

Yesterday morning a text from my Mum triggered me and I went from 0-100 in seconds. I became highly reactive, lost it over a tiny thing, started screaming hysterically then ran to my bed. My poor partner. It took me two hours to calm down and stop shaking. SI flooded me. After I got up I went for a walk to a jetty I love then came home and played guitar. This helped, but I was so exhausted from it all. I even felt dizzy for hours.

At the core of my biggest trauma lie my parents. They are beautiful, loving people, but they failed me terribly as a child. It is confronting, and conflicting. They are my main support and now they are my main trigger. If they hadn’t failed me it is unlikely I would have Bipolar , PTSD, or Fibromyalgia. I can’t go into details but the magnitude of their failure and negligence is massive. I could bring them to therapy to try and sort this out but they are 70 years old and I would feel bad bringing it all up now. I don’t know what to do. The rage I feel is immense.

This morning I feel calm so hopefully today will be better. Tomorrow I’m photographing my niece in her equestrian competition. That should be fun. I’m trying not to self destruct, and not having any bipolar symptoms helps, but this rage is almost too much for me. PRN Seroquel helps but I hate taking it. I did last night though.

On top of all that I have a sore left hip, and a sore right shoulder (due to only being able to lay on that side for months). This means I can only sleep on my back. I don’t sleep well that way. I’m trying to be positive, and I am ... until I snap. I feel like I’m living with a gun to my head. Stressful.