My Support Forums - View Single Post - Tension in the Family

Lilly2 · Nov 02, 2019, 02:12 AM

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Originally Posted by issuesthrowaway

My father:

Aggression

He grew up in a very violent and crime-ridden area where he got into fights constantly. As a result of this, he can be very aggressive and confrontational. Even if he doesn't mean it, he can definitely give the impression of aggression. Sometimes, it can be a simple conversation where he will get loud and talk over my mother and me (we tend to be quieter so we can have trouble getting a word in edgewise).

Have you guys tried family systems therapy?

It sounds like your dad has went through some adverse childhood experiences growing up. His aggression, like you pointed out, could very well have stemmed from his upbrining.

You are really wise in your understanding of your father. However, that doesn't nor shouldn't excuse his behavior toward you and your other family members.

It sounds like you've had enough conversations with your father to understand his history. Through such dialogue, it sounds like your father is open to discussing these things, at least in part. Does your father apologize for his actions? Does your father explain and know where his aggression comes from? If so, that's a good first step for him to heal from his past and work on his aggression. Individual or family systems therapy might help your dad. What do you think?

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His father passing

Early to mid 2015, his father passed which he took pretty hard as they were very close. Ever since then, this aggressive side of him has gotten worse. I believe it's because he would confide in his father. Apparently, my grandfather was very similar to how my father is around his age. All I ever knew my grandfather as, was a very nice, upbeat, and rational guy. He knew how to calm my father down and with him gone, my father doesn't have that emotional support to fall back on.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for your father's loss. That must be hard on the entire family. It must also be hard on your father, since you noticed that he benefitted from your paternal grandfather's support. Ecological losses such as these are hard to handle sometimes. Anger, or aggression, is part of the grieving process, or so I've read. It's wise of you to understand your father's loss, but it's also important for you to connect with your own sense of grief in this, too. It appears that the grief you experience isn't just the loss of a paternal grandfather, but also how it has affected various family members, and how the effects of family members in relation to such grief may be affecting you, too, and vice versa. Grief often affects more than one person, and it would seem that there's a chain reaction to grief. Support does help in times of grief, but it can become more complex when the support received comes from those who are experiencing varying levels of grief themselves for the same loss. (((safe hugs)))

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Alcohol

A more recent thing has been his alcoholism. He's not your stereotypical drunk that slaps his wife and children, but I believe he can be emotionally abusive. He comes home in a relatively good mood most of the time. As the night goes on, he gets louder, slams doors, and even throws things. This is due to him drinking shots of straight vodka throughout the night. We've talked to him about this and I have expressed how it hurts me to see him doing this to himself. He listened for a little bit, but seemed to bounce right back to the same habit.

It sounds like you are proactive with your dad, insofar that you are able to have an open conversation with him about his drinking and how it has affected you. That's a great first step. Not many families are as open and honest about their feelings, or about addressing issues concerning behavioral problems, such as addiction.

Has your dad tried to find individual help for all of his issues, includng past violent upbringings and today's drinking problem? Has your family tried seeking a family systems counselor? Such treatments may be able to help.

I'm sorry that your dad's drinking has affected you and other members of your family. (((safe hugs)))

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Source of his stress

I understand the source of his stress. His sister/mother (they live together) are struggling financially and recently his sister spent some time in jail for drug possession.

That's great that you are understanding the source of your dad's stress. However, it's important to understand the source of your own stress, too, which it seems like you're doing. Understanding someone else's stress, however, shouldn't minimize your own stress. You have a heart that cares enough to understand. It's important for everyone to be able to understand their own stressors, and how other people's stress might affect them. It's also important to communicate about such things while finding solutions that can help everyone.

I'm sorry that your paternal aunt and paternal grandmother are struggling financially. I'm sure they are dealing with a lot, including the loss of your paternal grandfather. I'm also sorry that your paternal aunt has substance-use problems, and that she was incarcerated for that. I am sure that those factors might affect you and your family in some way. (((safe hugs)))

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My mother isn't the best at cleaning up around the house and my sister has some social issues as well as academic trouble (as a 5th grader). I'm the worst of all when it comes to social skills and getting out of the house, but he doesn't berate me as much. Potentially because I'm taking online college courses instead of doing nothing.

We often learn from our surroundings, especially from family members. It's hard to overcome social anxiety when others in our family are also experiencing the same thing.

That said, you sound like you are an intelligent person who is willing to communicate, problem-solve, and learn. I hear you minimizing your own accomplishments or your own stress in all this, however. You are accomplishing a lot, and you have been through a lot! It's important to not minimize your pain while understanding others' pain; you can show the same level of compassion for yourself as you have shown others with your understanding. Your leading by example might encourage others to learn from you, in many of the same ways that we often get influenced by negative behaviors from others, such as social anxiety. The way to overcome learning negative behaviors is through being proactive, which is what you're doing. Kudos to you!

Maybe you can encourage others to do the same, especially your younger sister.

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Threats

All of this said, I understand him and appreciate all of things he does for our family. I just don't support how he takes out all of this stress on others. He has called my mother "a piece of ****" (loud enough/within earshot of my sister and me) and several other terrible insults on rare occasions. What worries me most is the way he treats everything like a street-level threat. He recently used phrases like "Don't try me" and other vague threat-like phrases that seem to insinuate violence. I don't remember the exact wording, but he essentially said to my mother, that if my sister and I weren't in the house, an argument they had would have gone down very differently, saying vague phrases like "you already know what would have happened" or something to that effect. It was as if he was responding to an enemy gang with his tone and choice of words.

Those are good observations, and it's a good thing you are not minimizing your reactions and feelings to these things. I'm sorry that you've had to hear these horrible words coming from your father. (((safe hugs)))

It also sounds like your father reacts to trauma triggers from past violent experiences. Although that's no excuse for his behavior, it's a reason for him to seek help. If he is unwilling to seek help, can you find help for yourself?

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Throwing/Breaking Things

So far, none of these situations has ever ramped to violence against a person. The farthest he'll go is throwing/breaking an object such as a shot-glass, a remote, or a pill bottle. On one drunken occasion, he removed my mother's door from it's hinges with a screwdriver because he thought either my mother or sister slammed it (something he has told my sister not to do- slamming doors). He only put it back on the door frame when I came out and kinda whimpered at him to stop.

That sounds terrifying!

I'm so sorry you experienced that. (((safe hugs)))

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Still Appreciate Him

He definitely likes to talk, but his actions are usually very generous and kind. He deposits some money into my bank account every week, helps out his sister/mother with bills/groceries, and is a very selfless person overall. I think the main issues have always been his anger issues and how he handles his emotions. He admits these faults (which I respect hugely) but doesn't change his behavior, which I think needs to change for all our sakes including his well-being.

You are really wise in understanding your father, while also understanding how your father's behaviors have affected you and your family. A good first step is that your father admits his wrongdoing, which means that there is hope that one day he will try to change his behaviors. His behaviors might stem from a number of factors, including his past. Have you tried asking him to seek help for himself or for your family as a whole? It might be more cost-effective to find a family systems therapist for the entire family than to find individual therapists for each family member.

I'll respond to the other sections in separate response posts. I need to take a break, but I wanted to respond in succession to what you wrote. I hope that is okay. (Next up, my response to your written accounts of your mother...)

(((safe hugs)))