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Originally Posted by issuesthrowaway
My mother:
Why my father is upset with her
A large source of my father's stress has been my mother. My parents do not get along very well. She is an unemployed house mother with some anxiety problems that can get in the way of everyday situations. I believe my mother's main issue is not asking for permission from my father to spend money on certain things and she sometimes slacks with upkeep around the house.
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It sounds like your mother is struggling with the effects of your father, too, which may aggravate her anxiety levels.
Also, it sounds like your parents' relationship affects you, too.
It's important not to blame our reactions on other people, but to identify the sources of our stress and our management (or lack thereof) of our reactions to such stress.
Parents are supposed to be examples for their children on how to reconcile differences, work through stressors, etc. Your father calling your mother names is not healthy for you or anyone else to hear, especially your mother. Even if your mother's actions and anxieties are a source of stress for your father, or anyone else, it doesn't mean that she should be called names or treated poorly. Those reactions are harmful to everyone, including the one reacting.
Here, it sounds like you are reflecting on your father's feelings, as opposed to balancing the feelings out for all of you - yourself, your mom, your sister, and vice versa. Sometimes there's this ping-pong effect that we have on one another when one stressor is introduced to the mix. It's easy to blame one person, but much harder to see how we are all responsible with our reactions to a given event or scenario, and how we can all problem-solve together. The question here is: "Who's responsible for what?" In this case, what can your mother do to relieve her anxiety, find energy to help around the house, find ways to be a better parent to her children, find ways to work with her husband on many areas of their joint lives, and find ways to seek help from supports within and outside the family? These are all important questions that the family and your mother can consider, including all family members who are willing to work together on this.
Your mother could be reacting to the stress experienced from your dad's actions and reactions. Your dad could also very well be reacting to the stress experienced from your mom's actions and reactions. That ping-pong effect can take a toll on you and your sister as well, and children's reactions can take a toll on parents sometimes, too. It's a matter of figuring out how each individual can work with themselves and with others in the family unit, and to remove blame while focusing on problem-solving. Identify the problem (not blame), then find solutions together (again, not blame).
I'm sorry that this has affected you in many ways. (((safe hugs))) 
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Money
She is not a very big spender, but she does like to buy a ton of apps, movies, or audio-books which can add-up very quickly. I've overheard my father talking to her about how she needs to stop so he can assure there is enough money in the bank account to get us through the week. However, since he can come off aggressively, my mother seems to continue this behavior behind his back.
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Witnessing this must be hard for you and your sister. Your mother's way in handling this appears to be a result of her anxiety issues coupled with your dad's reactions. It doesn't make her actions right, however. Your mother's spending habits are affecting the family as a whole, and may be a maladaptive coping style that negates proper communication and the kind of assertiveness and problem-solving that would alleviate her stress and the rest of the family's stress. Why is your mom turning to apps? Is it because she's trying to find ways to cope with the stress and feelings of anxiety? Maybe therapy would be a better option for her. Maybe communicating with your dad might be better for her to express her needs.
Finances are a common area of stress among families. Communication is key to identifying problems and then solving them.
When children witness these issues, they inadvertently learn from them. If the coping styles are maladaptive, children may pick up on those behaviors and adopt them as their own. If the coping styles are adaptive, children will learn how to problem-solve and cope better.
I'm sorry that you had to witness that. Maybe your mom doesn't have a spending problem, but maybe her passive-agressive responses are a source of stress to the rest of the family.
Family systems therapy could help in such cases. Do you think your parents might be willing to exchange the hidden expenses your mother has created for therapy instead? Do you think your mother can be open about her spending habits, apologize, and then communicate (as a partner, instead of a subordinate) with your dad to come up with a financial solution together?
When parents speak about the other parent in a negative way, especially behind the back of the other parent, it teaches children to be deviant. Such moral injuries are stressful on youth, as well as on the parental relationship. These issues can all be sussed out with the help of a therapist, or a neutral mediator. What do you think?
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Rift in Parents Relationship
This issue creates a weird dynamic where my father scolds her as if she was his child. When she goes behind his back, she also acts as if she is a teenager rebelling against her parents. When they are not arguing, they act like young friends talking about all sorts of things. However, my parents aren't very affectionate. My father started sleeping in another room a while ago and also started using a different bathroom.
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I'm sorry you had to witness your parents' hardships in their relationship. That's hard on you and your sister. (((safe hugs)))
It sounds like your parents could use either family systems therapy or marital counseling to help them. Sometimes therapy works, sometimes it doesn't, but it seems like they have issues with communicating with one another. Financial hardships, mental illnesses, past traumatic events, trauma triggers - these are all sources of filial stress, which can impact filial relationships. It's no one's individual fault; all parties should be communicating what they're feeling and experiencing, and all parties can work together to problem-solve.
(((safe hugs))) 
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Housekeeping
My sister is a very sloppy kid and can leave a surprising amount of messes throughout the house on a daily basis. I understand why my mother doesn't want to pick up after her all the time, because my sister can be overwhelmingly messy. I'll admit I should do more. I do some clean around the house here and there, but not as much as I feel I should do. But my dad unfairly puts this all of my sister's uncleanliness, this leads into another issue that my parents dispute over.
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It's hard to do house chores when feeling stressed and taxed from so many stressors. It's also hard to see an untidy house. Sometimes what we do when under stress is to *displace* our anger and *divert* our attention to something else, like house chores.
It doesn't seem like house chores are the issue here, but an unkept household does add stress. It's important to see what each family member needs in terms of support.
Maybe your sister is reacting to all the stress, including being the target of stress when being harshly targeted for the house. That's not fair to your sister or to anyone in the household who is witnessing your sister take a lot of the displaced anger. Maybe your sister is exhausted, or maybe your sister has unconscioiusly learned to become passive-aggressive in the same manner that your mother is passive-agressive with her spending. There are many reasons behind our actions, but the important thing to do is communicate. Why is your sister having trouble picking up after herself? Is she tired? Is she stressed? Is she angry? Is she losing concentration because of all the stress? Does she need help but does not know how to ask for help, or is too afraid to ask for help? Can you or other people help her? Can you all throw what some military families like to call a "GI Party," where everyone in the household takes an hour or two to work on house chores together, thus helping everyone feel a part of the family and like a team? Do you all get praised for doing a good job after house chores? Rewards are needed in such cases.  Rewards would help motivate you all for the next time you have to do house chores. Communication and teamwork would greately help here.
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Discipline
My mother is usually very lenient with my sister's behavior. She'll yell and make a fuss with my sister, but doesn't punish her much beyond that. Their bickering can sometimes sound like siblings instead of a mother and daughter. My dad is the opposite for the most part. He constantly scolds her for her cleanliness and bad grades which can develop into lectures or even spankings and yelling. Understandably, this clashing of parenting styles causes them to butt heads all the time when it comes to discipline.
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Different parenting styles can confuse children, which can bring children to a screeching halt when they don't know who to listen to, what to do, who to please, or what the consequences will be if they listen to one parent instead of the other.
It's best when parents can agree on a parenting style before communicating such things with children. Parents need to be good communicators in order for children to learn from them.
You mentioned earlier that your dad would infantilize your mom by treating her like a child. In the same vein, children can be infantilized or undermined, too. Your sibling may know how to do things around the house, but the issue is not because she needs to be babied or because she doesn't know. Asking your sibling directly why she is having a hard time with doing chores or anything else will be the best way to figure out how to help and parent your sister. Your parents could ask her, too.
Infantilization minimizes and undermines our intelligence and skills. It's a form of emotional abuse that does not solve problems, but rather creates them.
Parents are responsible for their actions as parents, and for their children's reactions to what they're learning from their parents.
Overall, it seems like your mother could use some help. Like your father, your mother is under an incredible amount of stress. She could learn how to communicate better, be more assertive, and ask for help. Your mother isn't the source of your family's stress, and neither is your father. There are many stressors that are interacting with one another here, which affect all of you. Your parents are responsible for the children in the family, even if you're an adult child. That said, you can all work together to help one another, and you can all communicate better to make that happen.
It sounds like you are under a lot of stress with the ways in which your family reacts. You are intelligent enough to see what is going on here, and to identify potential sources. It's important, however, to not target one particular person when identifying sources, even if their behaviors and their histories may be additive sources to the dysfunctional family system.
Family systems therapy might be able to help in such cases. But even if you cannot afford such therapy, perhaps you, as an adult child of all this, could find gentle ways to communicate with your parents and your sister. Maybe you can do some research and find sources or books to show your parents. Humor helps in such cases. Maybe walking up to your parents and saying something like, "Hey mom and dad, I love you, and you guys rock my world, but I think we should have a family meeting, sister included. I have some things I want to share with you, which might be able to help all of us. I want us to be a happy family, and while I think your occasional frowns are cute, maybe we can work some things out to where we are smiling more." --That's just an example, though that wording might not work. You know your family best, so maybe you can take some time to think about what to say, how to say it, and how gentle of an approach you can make this so that no one feels accused, targeted, etc.
That said, you are really not responsible for this here. Your parents are responsible, but they may not know it yet. It sounds like all of you are hurting and struggling. (((safe hugs)))
I'm sorry you are hurting. Kudos to you, though, in trying to find solutions. (((safe hugs)))
(I'm going to take another break. Up next: my response to your accounts of your sister.)
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