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Originally Posted by issuesthrowaway
My sister:
Social Issues
My sister has some social issues when it comes to her family most of all. Being so young, I believe she can grow out of it like I kinda did. However, it may be surprising some of the issues that she has had and still has to this day.
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Every person within a family unit is their own unique person. Some siblings thrive while others don't. Some siblings are resilient while others aren't. People are different in their perceptions, personalities, etc.
That said, I'm sorry that you've witnessed your sibling struggling in similar ways that you have. That must not be easy to see, especially if it brings up unpleasant memories. (((safe hugs))) 
I'm also sorry that your sister is struggling. She may or may not be as resilient as you. I, too, have a similar family upbringing as you, and I, too, have a young sister. There was my mom, my dad, me, and my younger sister. In my experience, I used to compare myself to my sister all the time, and she did the same. We don't get along anymore. Why? Sibling rivalry. I also wasn't the best older sister to her, and I took out my frustrations on her. I'm okay with not being forgiven, and I hold responsiblity for my own actions toward my sister. Like you, I assumed that my sister would be resilient. In many ways, my sister is resilient - especially in ways that I was not. Over time I realized that my sister is a different person from me. We both perceived our parents' abuses on us differently, and we both experienced our upbringing differently. My sister isn't disabled, but I am. My sister has a husband, whereas I have never been married. My sister deals with narcissism, but I don't. I deal with DID and PTSD, but my sister doesn't. Our parents were responsible for our upbringing, but they were struggling too much with their own stuff to be responsible parents. I've forgiven them in my own way, and I was never as open or brave as you in communicating what you have to your dad or to others in your family. There was no online source or no computer/smart phone I could use to seek help. I was trapped, alone, and confused. My sister may have felt differently.
It's therefore important to not compare yourself with your sister. It's intelligent of you to point out what you've witnessed, and wise of you to address your concerns. But it sounds like your sister is a target for displaced or diverted anger from your parents. Your sister may have learned poor coping skills from your parents, who are exhibiting poor coping skills. Your observations are clear, but your interpretation might need some help because you, yourself, have also struggled with all of these.
You are brilliant enough to admit your own biases, as I've read later in your post, which I'll respond to later. For now, however, it is important for you to understand how you feel toward your sister, how your witnessing of her pain has affected you, and how you can maybe communicate with your sister to see how you can support her in a way that feels safe and comfortable to her. What do you think? You know your sister best, so you are the best person to figure out how to approach your sister, given her age and level of intelligence.
My hope for you is that you and your sister form a tight bond. Sibling relationships can help situations related to family dysfunction, or they can add to that stress. Sibling support is important in this regard. Are you close with your sister? Do you want to have a stronger relationship with your sister? Can you communicate with your sister to figure what her needs are, and to see if your assessment of her situation is in line with her perceptions on what is going on for her?
(((safe hugs to you both))) 
I'm so sorry that the two of you have struggled with these issues.
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Young Age Social Problems
Back before most of these issues were occurring, she had a period of time where she would not talk to our father. She was maybe 5 at the time. She had been talking to him before, but all of the sudden, she just stopped. We believe it was due to a time where she was spending the night with me at our grandmother's house, but got home-sick. My dad came back to pick her up and then sometime around that whole incident, she stopped talking to him. It was a long process, but she eventually worked her way up to whispering and then talking again.
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It sounds like your sister was scared to talk. It sounds like your sister struggles a little bit differently from how you struggled with similar things in your family. Your ages represent different stages at which you've both experienced different things from your parents' dysfunctional behaviors. I'm sorry that you both struggled with that.
Is there a safe way that you can encourage your parents to find help for all of you? Is your sister okay now with communicating, or does she need help? Can you help her? Can you help your mom or dad to help her, too? Is she still afraid to communicate?
Being that she is the youngest in the family, she may be seeing how you have dealt with stress and reacting to everyone's stress. It's a different perception from yours because you're older than she is, so you're not the youngest in the family. I didn't understand my sister growing up because I didn't have her perspective of being the youngest. My sister felt controlled by me and everyone else, and so she learned to be controlling to alleviate her vulnerable feelings of being controlled or not being in control. I may not fully understand, but I at least admit that I didn't struggle the same as my sister, given our age differences. Maybe you can communicate your desire to understand your sister better, and to see how you can help support her through this. (((safe hugs)))
That said, it isn't really your responsiblity to be a parent to your sister. It's your parents' responsibilty to attend to your sister's needs, and to support your relationship with your sister. It's sad when us older siblings don't get the proper guidance that we need to be a support to our younger siblings. I'm speaking from personal experience because I can identify with a lot of what you have shared here. My mother was not an attentive parent, and my father was an alcoholic. My father served as a merchant marine in WWII, and he used to harm my mother and us kids with words and fists. It was terrifying to see him break things and to threaten sui. There were other things that I'm not stating here that were also traumatic, but you get the gist of similarities between family dynamics, and the degrees to which family trauma can affect us as individuals, our relationships with our siblings, and our relationships with others, including friends, parents, and extended family.
I'm so sorry that you've witnessed all this. (((safe hugs)))
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Talking to Less Familiar People
To this day, she will only whisper to adult family members outside of our household. She seems to have less of a problem talking to complete strangers such as cashiers or restaurant employees. My parents have had a school counselor (I think- not sure of the details) talk to them, but the only useful information they got out of it was the name of the social disorder that the school believed my sister had.
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Does your sister have selective mutism? I studied that briefly as an undergrad, but very briefly. There are other potential issues that could be going on instead of, or apart from, selective mutism. I'm so sorry that your sister is struggling with speech and psychosocial issues. That must be hard for you to witness. (((safe hugs))) That must be also hard for your sister to experience. (((safe hugs)))
Has your parents tried to find help for your sister? Is your sister improving? In what ways can you be of support to your sister? Do you want to help your sister, or are you too stressed out to deal with that (which is okay, too; you're not responsible; your parents are)? What can you do to help you cope with what you are witnessing in your sister? What self-care can you take to alleviate the stress from witnessing this? What can you do to prioritize your needs apart from your interactions with various family members? Can you find and/or afford individual therapy for yourself? (((safe hugs)))
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At Home
Her social problems are less apparent at home. She is very loud and extroverted and has no problem talking endlessly about random things to my mother and me.
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It's a good sign that your sister is able to voice her needs with you and your mother. If she's afraid of her father, but is also learning subconsciously from your dad to blame things on you and your mother, or if she is reacting to being the target of your parents' displaced anger concerning her inability to do chores properly, then maybe this is a sign of her trying to get her needs heard and met.
I'm sorry that you are struggling with the stress of all this. You are wise to identify the differences in your sister's engagement in different social settings. Your observations can be communicated with your parents, in the context of gently trying to find help for your sister, and for everyone being a support to her. It sounds like your sister is struggling and hurting, even if it looks like anger and shyness in different contexts. It also sounds like your sister is having a hard time identifying who she is in different contexts. She is young enough to find the appropriate supports to help her cope and heal from all that she has experienced. What do you think?
(((safe hugs to you and your sister)))
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Father and Daughter Relationship
She is less like this with my father. She has tried to joke with him and he has tried to reciprocate her crazy sense of humor. However, due to his frustration with her, he'll often end up lecturing her about something. He understands her social problems less that my mother and I who have had experience. He will try to respond to her like one would to a (frankly) normal child, but she has problems with responses like these.
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It's understandable that your sister is struggling with picking up social cues from different people. At your sister's age/stage of development, it's hard for her to deal with being confused at different parenting styles and feeling scared of hearing arguments and threats all the time, or of all the things that you've experienced between your parents. Your parents may be trying their best to help your sister, but your sister needs to feel safe, too. Kudos to you all for trying to help your sister. You are all doing the best you can with the resources you have. But it seems like the stresses within your family unit are continuing to affect your sister's development. What can you all do together to find ways to help your sister? (((safe hugs)))
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Example of their disputes
For instance, if she shows someone her artwork and you then compliment her, she may awkwardly tell you to shut up or call you stupid. This is often with an embarrassed smile on her face, but I think she genuinely does have a hard time accepting compliments. With her, I've found it is best to ignore these somewhat rude comments. Instead, my father harps on them and won't let them go. This understandably creates a divide between them.
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At your sister's age/stage of development, she's learning maladaptive coping responses, and those responses get reinforced by your father's aggressive response to her. Your sister may not believe in genuine complements, given the attacks she's felt or perceived when she becomes the target of displaced anger for her chores. Your sister may not be receiving the kind of affection and comfort that she needs when she is struggling with things like speech, social interactions, chores, grades, etc. Your sister may not be receiving the emotional support she needs in terms of love and acceptance from all family members who appreciate her for being who she is, no matter her behavioral problems. There's a way to show love while also communicating with her to find out why she's reacting or behaving in certain ways. You don't want to reinforce negative behaviors by constantly paying attention to them, but you also don't want to ignore them either. She needs to know that she is loved, that there are better ways to handle things, and there are consequences if she chooses poor ways to handle things. In many ways, your parents can learn from your sister because it appears that your sister is mirroring similar behaviors that she's learned from your parents. She's acting aggressively or passive aggressively, like your dad and mom, respectively. She's not learning how to find different ways to cope, just like your parents are continuing in their maladaptive coping styles. It comes as no surprise that she's not learning new behaviors when no one else in the family is working on changing theirs. Your sister is struggling, as are your parents. You are struggling with experiencing and witnessing all this, too. Everyone in your family needs help, and no one person is to blame for the stress your family is under. Your parents are responsible, but everyone in the family needs help. You are all struggling.
(((safe hugs)))
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Cleanliness
Another thing with my sister, which seems to have at least slightly improved over time, is her cleanliness. She often leaves plates and cups lying around and doesn't bother to clean up after herself. She does this in a very defiant way. I've told her not to this, but a lot of the time, she insists that she can do whatever she wants.
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Again, it seems like your sister is picking up this behavior from your mother's passive-aggressive spending habits and lack of cleanliness. Children learn from example, and so do adults. It's hard for your sibling to learn better ways when the behaviors she's exhibiting are the same as hers. That only adds to her confusion and pain whenever she becomes the target as the only one who has to pick up after herself when her parent isn't able to do it, or when other older family members are able to do it but she cannot. It lowers her self-efficacy and self-esteem when she, being the youngest, isn't able to live up to the standards everyone else has set for her, even though she's witnessing different standards from her own mom. This would confuse me as a child or an adult, and we can see similar behaviors or dynamics in the workplace. It comes as no surprise that your sister's learned behaviors are indirect and covert cries for help.
I'm sorry you had to witness this. Your own reactions might mirror what you've learned from your dad or your mom, and it may be hard on you yourself, as well as your sister. Is there any way you can see this situation with your sister through your sister's eyes? The best way to see it that way is to ask your sister what she is feeling, and to truly try and understand your sister. Maybe comforting her will help over time, not immediately, but slowly. Again, a family systems therapist might be best to offer adequate solutions, but if that's not feasible, then finding information online might work.
How do you feel about my responses? Do you think some of my suggestions are worth a shot? If not, what other concerns do you have, or what alternative solutions do you think would work best for you, for your sister, for your family as a whole?
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Nastiest Incident
The absolute worst instance of her sloppiness was from a few years ago. My dog suddenly started having an awful behavioral problem of going to the bathroom inside the house. My sister would knowingly ignore the dog pee/poop on the floor without telling anyone or making sure someone cleaned it up. Keep in mind, she was never forced to clean this up. It didn't seem to do this out of spite against anyone. It was as if she didn't see it as a big issue. Fortunately, it has never been that bad since, but she can still leave behind some pretty disgusting messes of her own. I think it is mainly attributed to laziness and not understanding how nasty some of her actions can be.
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I think your assessment is a little harsh. My response here would be similar to the responses I've made above.
Maybe your sister was too stressed out to say anything. Maybe your sister didn't want to say anything because then she'd be the target yet again of displaced anger, if not being made to clean up the mess herself. The dog is the family's responsibility, or your parents', especially if the dog made a boo-boo. It's sad to hear that your sisters' feelings and needs are being ignored, which makes me wonder if your feelings were ignored, too. It also makes me wonder if you were treated as the target of displaced anger from your parents, too?
(((safe hugs to both you and your sister)))
Overall, I think that your relationship with your sister could use some repair. I also think that you have been deeply hurt from witnessing all of this stuff. It's stressful to witness and experience the things that both you and your sister have. You both need to have more compassion for yourselves, even though your parents are supposed to be the compassionate ones who teach you how to relate, problem-solve, and cope better. It sounds like all of you are having trouble with coping in a healthy way. It sounds like all of you are hurting, and then that hurt interacts with everyone else's hurt. Your sister deserves to be raised in a safe, loving environment, even if you didn't get the benefits of having an older sister to help you out. I recall feeling that it was unfair that I never had an older sibling, and I also recall my treating my sister poorly, when I could have helped both my sister and myself if I had different supports to help me. I made it a point to make amends with my sister repeatedly, and I will continue to do so. I also made it a point to heal from what I had to witness in terms of my sister growing up without any support. I try to help others, like you, to not make the same mistakes that I had. Would you be willing to form a stronger relationship with your sister by asking her questions, communicating with her, and finding ways to support her. You need not be your sister's parent, as parentification is a really tough role that should not be placed on you, but you can offer support as a sibling. One day, you and your sister will reap the benefits of what you do to grow that relationship now. That is my hope for you. And one day, maybe, from your helping your sister, your sister will be grateful for sparing her from having mental illnesses in adulthood because you were able to buffer the effects of parental abuse and neglect, which you both have experienced. Maybe your entire family, including you, can heal from all of this, so that your mental health will improve.
(((safe hugs to you all)))
I'm going to take a break before I complete my responses to the remainder of your post about your reactions to all this. Next up: my responses to your "me" section. 
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