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Originally Posted by issuesthrowaway
Me:
My Biggest Problems
This one may be the easiest to explain because I know more about my own thought-process than I do my family’s thought-processes. I am currently a college student and taking online courses. I graduated high school and then took a gap year. I have never been employed. I have a license, but I rarely drive (only once or twice by myself). I constantly stress over social situations and have very little self-confidence. I sit at home and do the bare minimum to get an A-B in College.
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Given all that you've been through, and all the stress that you're under, it's understandble that those things have impacted your self-confidence. I, too, struggle with this. I have to study for my driver's licence exam for Monday. I'm tired, nervous, and 45 y/o. I used to handle tests like these with ease, and without studying. I haven't driven in over 15 years, but thankfully I don't have to take the driving test. Still, before I buy a car, I will pay for defensive driving after I relearn how to drive itself. I know how to drive, and I maintain my license in case of emergencies, but being disabled and poor all these years have stripped me of my confidence. Still, there's hope. There's a way we can rebuild our confidence, but it takes determination and practice. You'll get there. You're already taking the right steps to getting there.  Hang in there!
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Trying to not be a total shut-in
I spend most of my time on my computer where I game, watch shows/videos, or just browse the internet. However, I still don’t like to have long sessions at my computer where I sit still for hours. What I like and try to do is get out of my room and see what my family is up to. My sister and I like to play/solve ISpy books, play around with Snapchat filters, or just look at memes together. I like to join my parents conversations. I like to joke around with them.
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You sound like me. Seriously, you are doing what you can to find you, but it does take people like us to get out from under our comfort zones and explore the world. You sound young. I'm 45, and I'm still exploring the world, given my limitations. It's hard to leave our homes or comfort zones when we feel depressed, ashamed, guilty, taxed, stressed, etc. It's doable, but it takes effort on our part. Hang in there. I will, too.
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How the arguments affect me
Lately, the arguments between my parents, or even my parents and sister, really make me want to avoid leaving my room. I feel this dread and anxiety whenever I hear one of them get loud with each other. I’m worried it will be another long night of arguing. Sometimes, they’re not even arguing. I’m just so jumpy because of how frequent the arguments can be. These arguments can be every other day and they can ruin everyone’s mood, even if they’re not directly involved. My sister may be the one who is least affected by it (that or she hides it very well). It seems she has gotten way too familiar with the yelling and anger that she gives the impression that she is hardly fazed by it.
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That must be hard for you to witness, and it must be hard for you to concentrate on your studies in school. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. Witnessing arguments is stressful. Witnessing parental emotional abuse on a sibling, however, is traumatic - vicarious trauma, to be exact. It's not surprising that you would want to avoid hearing or seeing that. It would be helpful to find support for yourself in dealing with this, and to figure out ways you can comfort your sister in the process. It could be that your sister can be a source of comfort to you, too.
(((safe hugs))) 
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My Overly Passive Behavior
I am very non-confrontational person. Sometimes, I’m walked all-over (never to a point where I’m angry about it) and I don’t stand up for myself often. I have trouble putting my foot down and saying how I really feel. I believe my sister and I have that in common. We both have trouble expressing our emotions without feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
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It sounds like you've learned helplessness from the ways in which your mom has learned helplessness; you all lack assertiveness and adequate communication skills that identify and solve problems. It's hard to do when there are power dynamics, especially when one person in the relationship (like your father) takes on a dominant role, while the others remain passive. Although there needs to be some levels of hierarchy within a family unit (the parents supposedly being the most rational and intelligent ones to guide and support their children), it's not healthy when someone in the family is controlling and/or aggressive.
Therapy can help with assertiveness training, among other things. I'm sorry that you struggle with this. I'm sorry that your mom and sister struggle with this, too.
You could use this experience to connect with your sister and bond with her. Maybe you can help your sister work on being more assertive while you, yourself are learning to be more assertive. Maybe you both can be examples for your mother, too. Maybe this will encourage your father to be more understanding as well. Who knows. The possibilities are endless. But the first step you take in identifying this is wise. Hang in there. (((safe hugs)))
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Panic Attacks
Potentially not relevant but related to anxiety- I also get panic attacks when I’m feeling unwell, or watching someone else feel unwell. For example, I could be watching a TV show where someone gets seriously injured which can trigger a relatively small panic attack. This best I can explain it is that I my mind tries to imagine how agonizing or painful that situation must be and as a result induces a panic attack. However, I’ve gotten better at recognizing my triggers and stopping them before they happen. Recently, I’ve had one during an online proctored exam which I think was caused by me putting too much pressure on the thought that I might fail (which I did).
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It's great that you are able to identify and manage your feelings of panic. It's not surprising that you experience this, given all the stress you've been through. Hang in there. (((safe hugs)))
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Procrastination on Independence
I also think I have been lazy recently and have been using my social anxiety as an excuse to not get a job, drive, or even just talk with other people my age. My social anxiety causes me to freeze-up and over think nearly everything I do. I beat myself up over the smallest awkward incidents. As a result of my fear to face these social issues, it’s caused me to procrastinate on becoming an independent adult.
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Again, you may have learned this from your mother. It's also a maladaptive way of coping when you are avoiding responsibilities, including social interactions, potential conflicts, etc. In many of the same ways, your sister is learning this behavior, too.
There are ways you can heal from all of this with a qualified therapist. You can also learn tips from people here, too. Learning how to be self-motivated is hard when there's no one forcing you or threatening you. I've learned at a young age, and even in the military, that life was easier when I had a dominant person like my father or a boss telling me what to do, or threatening me to do things. Without that, even if it was traumtic or even helpful at the time, depending on the context, I've learned to relax in times of solitude. That relaxation from traumatic or stressful situations taught me improper ways to take control of my own life, however. It took years for me to teach myself how to be my own leader, my own motivator. I also learned that threats are not helpful in most contexts. I am still learning how to motivate myself without putting myself down. CBT helps with that. Other tools can also help. It's a matter of finding a good self-help book, asking people on PC for advice, and/or seeking therapy to offer us tools to retrain our brain and our routines. (((safe hugs)))
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Fear of Driving and the Incident that perpetuated it
I think the biggest issue that is holding me back is my fear of driving. Nearly 2 years ago, one of my worst fears came to life when I scraped against several cars when parking (driving by myself). Nothing serious ever came of it, as out of a complete panic, I left without even so much as a note(which I realize was a very terrible thing to do and it is probably the biggest reason I beat myself up over this). I left the parking lot and met up with my dad who calmed me down and was very understanding and caring about the whole situation.
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It sounds like your dad was a source of comfort for you at that time. That's a good thing. It also sounds like you felt guilty or ashamed from that experience. Accidents like that happen all the time, but our reactions may differ. I, too, fear of making mistakes like that. My neighbor, just the other day, scraped her car against the pole. Another neighbor helped her. She's older than me. She was tired from work, and she wasn't paying attention. It happens to the best of us. The best thing we can do is learn how to prevent mistakes like that in the future and not be afraid to make mistakes. It's hard though, but doable. I hit a gate when I was about 18 years old. My half-sister (older, never grew up together) whom I was living with at the time had to pay for it. I never made the same mistake again, but it was scary to drive after that. I actually sold my car and took some time off from driving, but I eventually picked it up again. I learned to be more cautious and prepared before I go behind the wheel. You can, too. Hang in there. (((safe hugs)))
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Must overcome these fears somehow
This whole situation shot my nerves and I have not attempted parking in a space between two cars since. I realize that all of this may not sound like a big deal to the average person, but this is an example of how bad my anxiety is. I feel that if I can overcome this hurdle and conquer my fear of driving that, with time, the rest of my social problems could fall into place.
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You have a strong sense of self-efficacy there. You can overcome that, and with that, you can learn to overcome psychosocial problems, too.
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Final thoughts: I am aware that this is a crazy amount of information to put into one post. It’s probably longer than any essay I’ve ever written. I wanted to get this off my chest and hear other's thoughts on it. To do that, I wanted to explain as much as I could, so you guys can understand where everyone is coming from. This whole thing is a pretty crazy situation to be in.
I also tried my best to explain everything as unbiased as possible. I guess most people are still going to have some bias when it comes to family, so try to understand that everyone in this situation has their problems and I’m not trying to favor one person over others. Therapy has been brought up a few times, specifically in regard to me. However, due to money and other things going on in our lives, we have not sat down and discussed it in-depth. The reason I’m doing this is to get some insight, suggestions, and advice from anyone at all. There's still probably a lot I left out, so if there's any questions, I'll do my best to answer them.
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You did good in posting this the way you brilliantly posted it here on PC! Kudos to you for reaching out and finding supplements to your therapy! I hope that you can take some of the advice that you receive here to your therapist, so that you can find ways to figure out what is best for you and your healing.
You've been through an incredible amount of stress, and you're barely learning how to transition into adult living. You're on the right path. You haven't had the best parental role models, but your parents sound like they love each other, even if there are ruptures. You've learned from your parents to stick together, even if your dad sleeps in another room, etc.; your dad and mom have stuck with one another, and that is a strength your parents have taught you and your sister. But you've all been through an incredible amount of stress, too. All of you could use some therapy and help. Sometimes that help can be found outside of the family, and sometimes that help can be found through problem-solving within the family. Both could coexist, so as to increase support.
Please be more gentle with yourself. You are brave, intelligent, and wise in many of your actions. You have a long life ahead of you, and I hope you are able to heal now so that you can enjoy the remainder of your life. I also hope that you and your family are able to bond and heal together. That will help you and everyone in your family.
Please keep us posted on your progress, and your family's progress.
I hope that some of the information here is helpful. If not, I won't be offended. There are many others here who might have better advice to offer, too. It's a matter of you picking what is right for you and going from there.
(((safe hugs)))
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