I am so sorry you are struggling so, Hey Gem. First, I was just wondering if you have an official diagnosis of some kind. Like bipolar 1 or schizoaffective disorder. Was also wondering what your meds are. And do you have a therapist or just a psychiatrist or what? It seems to me you would do well to have both, given your story.

Being in the hospital is something I happen to know a lot about. I have spent massive amounts of time hospitalized. It can be scary and unwelcoming. Alternatively, it can also be very helpful and life saving. Sorry you had such a difficult experience with that. I have always felt like for me, a good goal is to stay out of the hospital. So, I try to do that whenever I can.

Being psychotic, which I have experienced a lot including just last week again, can be quite frightening and upsetting. Extremely confusing, to me, anyway. Feeling chaotic and out of control. I hate it. It's so disruptive. And trying to figure out your relationships or love life when you are psychotic, well, that's just psychotic. Not possible. We must be mentally fit enough in order to deal effectively with others and with the world. It sounds like at times, anyway, you have not quite been there yet.

The good news is, you can certainly get there. And that starts, it seems to me, with having a therapist you trust and a psychiatrist you trust to start sorting all this stuff out. Personally, I can't do this by myself. I've tried and the results were nil. I need other people to help me.

Anyway, those are just some quick thoughts on what you posted. I hope you find PC to be helpful. You might look on the forum/board of whatever diagnosis you presently carry and see what you can find there. There are lots of smart, insightful, caring people here who will be happy to do what they can. All the best.