Last year, I sat in a MST group and felt morally guilty for not having come forward over 20 years ago. I looked around the room and saw both veterans and uniformed military personnel seeking treatment for MST. Some active duty service members were still serving their time, whereas others were awaiting discharge. There were females of all generations representing that group. Some of the older veterans wept for the same reasons that I hid my inner tears - the moral injuries of silence and hidden guilt plagued our inner worlds while our brave younger counterparts came forward.
Many in the past were misdiagnosed and had OTH discharges, whereas others like me remained silent and left with honorable discharges.
For some of us with honorable discharges, we felt as if our MST wiped away that honor.
Reinforcing that idea, a volunteer Marine combat veteran once told me over a non-crisis veteran hotline that he and his buddies would have these aggressive rituals that honored their fellow combat partners into the ranks of Sgt. (E-4 paygrade). He said this in response to my dealing with flashbacks and other effects of MST, as if he were making excuses for those who betrayed me. I felt betrayed yet again by his comment because it pressured me into believing that I should have been strong enough to overcome whatever attacks happened to me from whatever source. I felt betrayed by his words and by that hotline's service, and my moral injuries returned.
Today, it's hard for me to even feel like a veteran. I have difficulty visiting the VA, seeing men in uniform, being in a room with a male doctor, and being surrounded by veterans at various veteran functions. I wonder if one of them were ever guilty of MST, and if they'd attack me again. After all, some of the uniformed women in the MST group I had attended reported being attacked on base, which was less than a mile from the VA facility we were at. I left that group, too, for the pain was too much for me to handle.
So, while I honor every veteran and military service member for their service to our country, including combat service members and veterans, I remain disconnected and afraid to engage closely with them.
I used to be strong and courageous, but after MST, any resilience I had from any past traumas dissipated, which left me feeling like a coward. I had no mental health problems prior to enlistment, and I had successfully worked security jobs and graduated from reserve officer training. It was only after MST that I started suffering. I had blackouts, but this time I could feel the panic right before I lost time. I may not have been able to recall certain childhood events, but I never remembered feeling panic until after discharge.
It took me over 20 years to visit the VA, and that was after exhausting all of my resources with Medicare and civilian therapists. Although I'm grateful for the help that the VA offers, I'm anxious every time I visit their facilities.