Reading this thread has been very moving. So many losses for us all, so many of us had oodles of promise and early success and bright futures but were cut down by bipolar. BethRags' post meant the most to me. I also grieve the loss of my looks before meds. I was thin and fit until i was 29 and went on serious psych meds and almost instantly gained 100 pounds. I was a gymnast and ballet dancer in my teens and an aerobics nut in my twenties.

I miss that girl so much! How i loved being fit and thin and sexy and pretty and active! I grieve that loss, the loss of that girl. After about 40 diets over the past two decades i have to admit, with a heavy heart, that that girl is probably gone forever. She is not coming back.

I'm still making an effort with Overeaters Anonymous (OA) and my Seroquel taper but i doubt i will ever have a waist again. I hope to improve my physical health and have already seen a big change for the better re my digestion but realistically i doubt i'll ever be thin and pretty again. Thru OA i am just trying to improve the quality of my diet, to get off the junk and onto real food to heal my digestive woes.

I'm not actively trying to lose weight yet and may never try again as serial dieting is it's own sort of mild trauma, purposeful, methodical starvation and i can't go thru it one more time and gain it all back and more. As hard as it is to accept "Fat Jane" it may well be easier than trying to change her. Making her healthier but still fat i can get behind but making her thin -- i can't go down that road again.

It's been helpful to have a sense of humor about it. There's a funny song about weight-gain and aging going around Facebook which some of you might have seen:

"I don't look good naked anymore /

I'm a deep-fried double-wide version of the woman i was before /

And i don't look good naked anymore!"