Darrel! You're making me work! I thank you, though. {{{{Darrel}}}} Yes, we are just fine! I think I'm going to quit trying to decipher so minutely what you mean with different words. I've been trying to get inside your head and analyze everything you say, but that's not necessary because, after all... you're a guy! I meant to say "that's a guy thing" last night when I was speaking of the difference in your dragon and my inner child. I also get you preferring to "tame your dragon." It's kindred to me "nurturing my inner child."

I'm going to go through all the posts from today and answer them, although not necessarily to each person. Maybe if I just write down how I interpret them and any insights or clarification to myself. Would that be "my perspective?"

Boy! I already feel the tension building... this is good. I'm "stretching."

1) Stretching: going above and beyond our comfort zone; learning something new, seeing things from a different perspective. It may work, it may not. If we feel it's a mistake, then we learned that idea didn't work and we need to either "tweak" it or do something, maybe in a totally different direction. Either way, we use it as a learning experience.

2) That's life: in my mom's words; "damnable fate!" Nope! No way, no how! I don't accept it! WE are the masters of our own destiny. If we don't like something about ourselves or about our life or how things work out for us, change it!!!!! You may hit "dead ends or dangerous curves," but if you don't try, nothing will change.

a) A golden nugget of wisdom: "I think it's important to look at bad things in life and find out what can be done to change them. Maybe it's not changeable Then you have to accept that it cannot be changed but even the you hold the power because you choose how you react. But maybe there is something we can do. Maybe it's a simple little thing or maybe it's life altering but in the end the payoff is the same. The point is we must do something." Thanks, Heidu!

3) "I just want to put extra emphasis on the 'moment' of inception and the result of the 'realization': Darrel, I'm not sure of your exact meaning here, but I'm going to translate to my own experiences. I don't know when my moment of inception was. Maybe it was the time my dad blew out of the house and hit me with his belt because I had done something he didn't like some while before and didn't say anything to me. Maybe it was the time my mom's mother put her filthy hands on me the first time. Maybe it was the first time my mother made me feel stupid for something silly I did. I don't know. I also don't know when the realization hit me that I wasn't good enough, smart enough... whatever. My first cognitive moment that I can put my finger on is when I was under hypnosis and the memories started coming back. That's when I felt the pain and shame and was able to say "Aha! No wonder!"

As a child, I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. I didn't know how to fix what was wrong. At that age, there is no cognition. All we have to go by is what is mirrored back to us. "I must be flawed so I better not try and do anything. It most probably will be wrong."

4) What then do we do with the concept of self-improvement?: As adults, we are aware that we are unhappy, relationships don't work like we think they should, we hit dead ends everywhere; in short, what we're doing isn't working for us. What I've done is look inwards to see what I don't like about myself. I even listen to criticism, whether constructive or not and take it apart to see if there is any truth in it. I've set about changing my attitude, listened to other people who have had the same problems to see if they've got a different perspective or something they do different. I weigh it "in my gut" and if it "feels right," (a woman thing ) then I try it. If not, I try something different.

5) It's too late to change the past, isn't it?: Yes, it's too late to change the past but it's never too late to learn from our experiences. Mistakes and problems can be used as growing tools. We can use our mistakes from the past to do things differently. We look back and see where we went wrong and next time we don't do it the same way. It also makes us more empathetic to those around us who may have made similar mistakes or had similar problems. We do what we are doing on this thread.

Conversely, we can take the good experiences, the new way of doing things and build on them. We can gather self-esteem, courage, confidence and can more readily take the next step. If that particular "thing" doesn't work out, we can say to ourselves, "That's ok. I can do this because it worked time before last. I was smart enough, good enough and I measured up to my own expectations! <font color=red>A word of caution here!</font color=red>

6) "My mother was so embarrassed about those marks, and I felt bad about it when I noticed that. (disapproval without healing words to counter it) It was about then that I also started to notice other things like that I was clingy and socially awkward, and in school I got distracted and off-task a lot and the teachers were frustrated with me because I didn't pay attention or finish assignments." A page out of my own life.

7) " 'you can't change the past, really, but what you can do is re-write your story and change your perceptions of it.' " Re-read #5.

"Is this not the definition of denial and repression?" I don't agree that it's denial at all since we are assuming that you've acknowledged the problem/dragon. I don't think the story can be re-written, but chapters of success can be added.

"I prefer to think it better to find the truth, as clear and precise as possible, and find a way to self-acceptance." Self-acceptance is very important! Prior to that, we need to forgive ourselves if indeed it was us that caused the damage.

"I feel that re-writing your story and changing your perceptions of it is different. You don't deny that things happened, but you look for the good in it - how you were strong enough to get through the problems and be a survivor." Right on, Rapunzel!! Looking for the good in my abuse now is that it's made me the strong, empathetic person I am today. In the words of my ex-therapist: "Through you, many people will be healed." Therefore, the book I'm going to finish. (I will! I will! I will! I can do it! Yes, I can!" )

"Yeah, it's hard, and I tend to rebel against the idea that I could go back and look at my childhood and pull out positive things." I've managed to go back and do that, somehow. I've knowingly repressed, off and on, the pain my mom inflicted on my psyche. Now is the time I'm taking it out and forcing myself do deal with it. I've gone through a stage of rage and resentment towards her, but I absolutely refuse to forget the feeling of her wonderful, cool hands on my face when she woke me up in the mornings, the hours she would spend rubbing my legs when I had growing pains, the time she gently scratched my head and it tickled to no end, the time she helped me with a piano piece I was having trouble with and saw her bleeding, cracked fingers from working with heavy denim to keep food on our table and a roof over your heads. I remember taking her hands to my face and kissing each bleeding crack and I also remember the tears we both shed over it. I can't remember those things and hold resentment! Those are the things that dispelled my rage and resentment towards her.

Whew!! I'm glad I'm done with that 'cause it ain't fun!! It's painful! But I know I need to take these things out and look at them again, turn them over, unfold them and see what other nuggets I find that I can use in my recovery.

Thanks so much to everybody for your contributions to this thread. It's a great experience.

{{{{Darrel}}}} Thank you so much for being who you are and not rejecting me after I jabbed at you with my sword (the hypervigilant teenager). I think we were defending the little dancing baby. The baby needs to be a child and have fun. You're gggrrrrrrreeaatttt! Don't stop trying to make yourself understood. Please!!

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>