Quote:
Originally Posted by whatever2013
Reading this thread has been very moving. So many losses for us all, so many of us had oodles of promise and early success and bright futures but were cut down by bipolar. BethRags' post meant the most to me. I also grieve the loss of my looks before meds. I was thin and fit until i was 29 and went on serious psych meds and almost instantly gained 100 pounds. I was a gymnast and ballet dancer in my teens and an aerobics nut in my twenties.
I miss that girl so much! How i loved being fit and thin and sexy and pretty and active! I grieve that loss, the loss of that girl. After about 40 diets over the past two decades i have to admit, with a heavy heart, that that girl is probably gone forever. She is not coming back.
I'm still making an effort with Overeaters Anonymous (OA) and my Seroquel taper but i doubt i will ever have a waist again. I hope to improve my physical health and have already seen a big change for the better re my digestion but realistically i doubt i'll ever be thin and pretty again. Thru OA i am just trying to improve the quality of my diet, to get off the junk and onto real food to heal my digestive woes.
I'm not actively trying to lose weight yet and may never try again as serial dieting is it's own sort of mild trauma, purposeful, methodical starvation and i can't go thru it one more time and gain it all back and more. As hard as it is to accept "Fat Jane" it may well be easier than trying to change her. Making her healthier but still fat i can get behind but making her thin -- i can't go down that road again.
It's been helpful to have a sense of humor about it. There's a funny song about weight-gain and aging going around Facebook which some of you might have seen:
"I don't look good naked anymore /
I'm a deep-fried double-wide version of the woman i was before /
And i don't look good naked anymore!"
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This was a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. If I may, please let me offer that you are Jane and Jane IS all of the things you mentioned. You carry old Jane with you just as you do new Jane. Acceptance comes from loving yourself as the whole package including all of the roads you've traveled. So you're not trying to walk back down the road of thin Jane anymore. It is too painful because you assume the route has to be a certain way. You've traveled it over and over and it is has only brought heartache. You want to give that adventure up. You instead want something new. That makes perfect sense.
You're instead walking a route of healthier and happier Jane. It is a new road for you. You're paving it as you go. You're a collective map though and all of your roads connect eventually. You might find that you're inspired to cross over to active Jane a few times on your way to healthier and happier. You might meet up with a thinner Jane by a chance detour. These are definite possibilities if you remain open to them.
You can greet and remember those versions of yourself and impart to them the updated healthier and happier Jane. The Jane who has lived more and seen more and carries much more wisdom. It is like creating active or thin Jane 2.0 for a while and then you know you'll go on to create the next wonderful and amazing flair of Jane.
Its more fun if we consider ourselves as beings who evolve through stages that sometimes offer us experiences LIKE or similar to what we had before. The goal is not to repeat the past. (How boring!) The new experiences are different and have different variables, but they carry the opportunity to create some of the same feelings in our hearts as we go. Young active Jane was great. A bit older and health conscious Jane can channel the energy of young active Jane when she wants to. She still remembers what it feels like. You can be both simultaneously. Being both is a much fuller and more enriching experience!
You can look great naked if you remember you're evolving. Picture and accept yourself with your past, your current AND your highest possible future and you're always beautiful!
I say all of this as someone who has been though many stages of physical being including many years where I hated and rejected myself including heavy and ugly duckling stages. I enjoy myself much more now that I see myself as a multi-phase, constantly evolving being who can create the feelings of almost any experience I desire. I could mourn the past versions of me. Instead, I connect with them and do it differently and with more flair
Keep it fun and funky Jane. You are incredibly beautiful because you 'got naked' here with us for a moment and bared a bit of your soul and it's amazing.
The same goes for the rest of you here! Use more than just your eyes when you look in the mirror