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Here's the reality:
You sign the dotted line, agree to enlist in the military, and agree to serve your country. You are willing to lay down your life in order to save thousands or millions. You are willing to sacrifice everything you have to join a force that defends our nation.
Then MST happens. You feel betrayed. Your dreams of "fighting to the death" or serving out a long military/government career - gone. Your enemy becomes your own brothers in arms. You don't know how this happened. You ask yourself, "Am I too weak? Do they not want me here? Is there something wrong with me? Why was I singled out? Is this a ritual I must pass? Is this a test? Was I not trained well enough? WHY?!"
And then you contemplate the crede, the rules you were trained to abide by, the leadership skills you've learned. Your pressed uniform, made rack, shined boots, and medals meant nothing when you couldn't even fight off your own brethren. You wonder if you could even fight off the enemy. You wonder how you could ever serve alongside the men who did this to you. You wonder if it will happen again and again and again. Your own invisible torture chamber settles in - your own personal POW. Inside your own mind, your MIA. You're separated from yourself, as if floating to bide the time. You see yourself perform amicably, without tears or any emotion. You bide your time, as if it were a prison sentence. You work, and you work harder than ever. You smile bitterly.
And then the paranoia kicks in. You wonder why it seems so silent among the cadence that you hear. You wonder how you could let them get away with this. You want revenge, you were trained in defense. You should have defended yourself, you say. But you couldn't.
So then your esteem lowers, your confidence plummets to the ground like the bullets at the rifle range. Your focus and dreams are gone. You're only left with yourself in that uniform among uniforms, and you wonder if you fit in.
You're sick, so you go to Sick Bay. You barely eat, and you're weak. You take leave, and you're questioned about your performance. No, you're interrogated.
You get med-boarded out. You await their response before discharge. You receive your papers. You pack your s*** and leave.
Your homecoming is a joke. Your honorable discharge lacks honor. Your courage is stripped from your medals. Your shame is the only badge you wear. Your silence becomes your everything. And the life you once thought you'd live in service to this country is gone.
You're now at home, alone, without praise. Your time was cut short, and you tell no one about your reasons for discharge. You have a blank face, and you're numb. You wonder what your reason for existence is since your identity and everything you worked hard in training to accomplish has been stripped from your title. You're now a coward, and you're afraid to go to the VA. You find alternative means to seek treatment, but only years after homecoming. Your past becomes a blur, as the darkness settles in. You no longer train because that just reminds you of the loss. Your mind is invaded with flashbacks. Everyone becomes suspect. You argue, you leave, you disconnect. Your body is not yours anymore.
Years later, you break down. You don't cry, but you cower into a lifeless child. Your direction in life is fraught with fear of being disempowered yet again. You think thoughts about ending it all. You get help without saying what it is that brought you there. You blame it on your childhood, since no one will understand MST. You blame it on anything but the reasons why you're f**** up.
For years you go on like this. None of the treatments are working, but you try. Some tools help, and you're convinced that your displaced anger at childhood will help you to recover. You try and TRY AND TRY.... It still brings you back to this mess.
And when you finally find the courage to visit the VA, your body is a mess. You're broken and scarred all over. You've lost your bearings, and you fear the men in uniform again and again, with every appointment. You cancel many times. You return. You cancel again. You try again.
You're retraumatized again and again.
The nightmares neverending, the thoughts never ceasing. You dare to shed a tear, but the tear only reminds you of that time you were betrayed by your brothers in arms. And today's silence reminds you of that time you were betrayed by your brothers in arms.
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