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For as long as I remember in my life, someone has not wanted me. I don't know where this is getting me to tell any of this over again. I know my mom didn't really want to have me she had been very cruel, so had my dad many times in life. They still gave some support and love as they could. So had my brother, and sister. I felt for a long time that I don't belong here. Anywhere. I thought i'd found someone who'd love me, as is, several times in life to be left jaw dropping at the blame, insults, and what seems like absolute loath for me from someone who just a while ago kept saying they loved me. This is my whole life. I know I'm to blame for many things but telling me everything has been my fault and I deserve nothing but to go insane...
exact words, go ahead, go insane, i don't care about your feelings at all. All I care about is myself, and to get rid of you. It looks like you are to blame for everything, yes you are to blame because no man would ever want you, it's been proven.
Yes I've been at fault. I've hurled insults. I have been moody. But who isn't moody when someone who used to hug you and show affection withdraws completely because they decide I am no good to them? Because they want to just love themselves and not me? THat's what he said. I come first. You don't matter. Your feelings don't matter to me at all.
What kind of human can do this? I just know its wrong to wish the pain I feel on him but I do. I wish he could wake up and see the ugly manipulative using and bossy person HE is, while he says I am all those things.
I know I was wrong to stay when he often said he didn't want me anymore. But he'd change his mind and say he wanted it to work. Now, I'm told there is no love anymore. But I've always been me, and I've improved in many things he says I haven't. I wanted to have encouragement, not all this. I'm making resumes and looking at doing real work, something that would build my self esteem. It seems like that makes him want to put me lower. Who does this?
I read a damn book called why men love *****es. To me it's not worth it, if it takes been like a sly fox, acting a certain way, to have a man. it's like playing a game and being someone I am not. I need. I show feelings. I cry. He says crying is manipulating me. Excuse me, NO, I happen to be very hurt, but it doesn't matter to him.
I'm the only one who can make myself feel better, but at this point I've considered ending things for me, something not to be mentioned here. That's how down I am. But I love my children, and that's all I cling to to stay here. I know they have resentments, but I also know they truly do love me and need me. If it wasn't for them, I think I'd just exit.
I'm glad for this forum, but I'm also sorry to spew my hurt all over here. I guess I do want sympathy. I do want someone to say, hey you must still matter for some reason. I just don't know what. I want to work again. My body has limits and so does my mind. But if that's all I have to hope for to gain some esteem in myself, I'm doing it. This person who shows such cruelty, I live with. I'm not leaving. I know people have said many times, leave. This is the only home I have, and I will avoid him and treat him with the silence he gives me. ONly little interaction. If I leave I'll be just as bad, there is no where...... please don't say go to a shelter, etc., it isn't an option. Actually, go ahead, give advice.
I've heard it all, but the reality is that it's harder to leave than put up with this. I have no savings, no way to move anything, and no one would care at a shelter because they'd say I shouldn't have moved in with him in the first place. I helped him while he lost his job. No matter to him. No matter that I encourage him, cook, clean, and was affectionate. None of that matters. All that matters to him is that he have everything as he wants, his apartment to himself, and me gone.... and who cares where, insane, dead, or on the street. When a while ago he said I'd never go homeless and he'd even marry me and support me. What an idiot I am to believe someone again. To be completely fooled. That's how I feel. A fool who has no worth anymore. Again, to anyone who would read I am sorry but that's what this place is for I think. I'm hurting. I'm going the insane that it seems I'm suppose to go.
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