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Nov 05, 2019, 02:43 AM
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Member Since: Oct 2019
Location: You'll never know
Posts: 940
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Some alters can handle some things, whereas other alters cannot. So, to the average Joe (or Jane), my boundaries will probably come off confusing until we, as a system, agree on all of our boundaries without being so limited that I live like a hermit.
Oh, wait, that's right - WE DO LIVE LIKE HERMITS! LOL, but seriously.
I don't mind making friends with trustworthy, kind men. But, in general, when a man (as opposed to a woman) approaches me with all of these questions up front, it's hard as a sexual assault survivor to suss out the difference between a man who is coming on too strong versus someone (regardless of their gender) who is trying to get to know me better. Either way, I state my boundaries immediately, that I have difficulty with answering too personal of questions early on, especially with men (but sometimes with women), and online, I almost* never* disclose my real identity, save a few who I feel I could trust (but then again, I've been burned before from some people who had serious issues with, well, their issues).
Anyway, I welcome PM's from anyone, but when it comes to advice-seeking, I tend to refer those requests back to the boards, since I feel like I don't want to be singled out as the "only" support system. It depends, however, how well I know the person or get to know the person on the forums. Sometimes things are best discussed in private, but maybe that's what chats are for in the chat section with more than one person there, so that it doesn't become a potential "stalking" situation, where one person is perceiving the other person as their only source of support, and where the supporter is feeling overwhelmed. I've been stalked, and I've been needy as well, but in general, I like things to be balanced, even though some parts of my system do not.
One thing that I've noticed is that I have different levels of openness and trust. Some of my alters are too scared to trust anyone, whereas other alters are cautious but open to making new friends. It becomes harder when those friends are male because I'm afraid of being attacked. Then again, I'm reminded by other alters that we were attacked by females as well. Eek.
In general, I like to take it slow when getting to know people through chat or PM. On the forums, I don't mind being more open because there is more accountability and safety in numbers; people can see the exchanges taking place. In PMs, however, people cannot. It's hard, especially, when people are PMing you about SI or SH or other issues, which is what I've dealt many years ago online, and which is what I just do not feel comfortable with in private, primarily because I've dealt with (and have overcome) SI an SH with my alters, and we no longer struggle with that. It's hard sometimes to receive private requests when someone is struggling like that, because the only thing we feel safe to do is refer them to hotlines, resources, or back to the forums where all of us can work together to help one another. I, alone, cannot be the single point of resource for anyone at the moment because I'm dealing with so much as it is. I don't mind helping, but I need the openness that the forums allow for me to help. Otherwise, I feel like I'm taking on a T's job, and that's not my role. I want to be a support, not a replacement pseudo-T. There's also a reason why I decided not to go to grad school to become a T; I truly do have many unresolved issues, and a job as a T has limitations, such as balanced reciprocity and support between two people. The T supports you, but you don't support the T. In friendships and online acquaintanceships, you have the freedom to share and support. I have the freedom to share things that a T wouldn't, and I love that freedom.  I'm not there to provide treatment; I'm there as a fellow survivor who provides support, even if I'm not returned support. I realize that we all struggle, but my boundaries need to be there to provide me safety and others I engage with safety.
That said, my alters and I need to figure out a way where we can agree on boundaries so that one alter is not apologetic after a boundary has been made, another alter is upset inside for the apologizing alter, etc. And while all this dialogue is going on inside my head, I realize how confusing I am as a singular person that others see and read online.
(((safe hugs to me and my parts, LOL))) 
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