i'm angry because i'm sick!

it's no one's fault i'm sick -- not mine, not doctors, not God. but there are so many things i can't do because i'm sick and it makes me angry! the latest thing i have "sicked-out-of" is riding the bus. after volunteering for free public transit for a year i am now too sick to even RIDE the bus. i wrote about how i took a cab to my Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting because i was feeling too raw to face the four-bus-round-trip journey and i had the key FOB. well that was $60!

i felt better yesterday and attempted the bus ride to OA but it was still the horror, the horror. packed in like sardines, three able-bodied youngsters taking up the courtesy seats for the disabled, pregnant women, those with children, the elderly, those unsteady on their feet (hello!), etc. there was a crowd at the entrance to the bus beyond the yellow safety line so there wasn't even basic safety for them and they were practically in the driver's lap, so squashed it was mildly traumatic and you all know about my recent "fear psychosis" -- it was Hell for me just fighting off hysteria.

well, i'm just gonna adjust how i conduct my life where possible to stay off unfamiliar bus routes, stick to tried-and-true trips like my route to the mall and use a car service when absolutely necessary. from "free-public-transit" to "no-public-transit" inside of a year. my life is just so viciously limited because i can't get around. there are world-class resources in my city like our stunning art gallery where i haven't been in years because the bus service there stinks! the only place i can get to reliably is the local mall, which thankfully is very nice and all but i miss out on so much because i can't get out and enjoy the city!

i'm just too sick now to ride the bus.

i have also been too sick to work for twenty years. also too sick for year-round activities like friendship or partnership or volunteering or vegetarianism or getting an advanced degree or becoming a board member for my condo or the drop-in i attended for fifteen years or cooking-from-scratch consistently, etc. i'm doubtful about my new Overeaters Anonymous group as i fled after twenty minutes during the meeting yesterday because i was overwhelmed by everyone's pain -- also a sensitivity due to weakness from bipolar.

i just feel my quality-of-life is severely limited by bipolar. about all i can manage is my own self-care and caring for my dog, neither of which i do a stellar job at. i just do basic care for us and then i'm exhausted. what kind of life is this where my sum total of accomplishment in a day is i brushed my teeth?