Pastor T last night **general trigger warning for talk of Christianity**
I was really nervous going to see Pastor T because I had SH-ed during the week. He had told me that if I had SH-ed, I needed to tell him. So I knew I needed to tell him, but I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I didn't know if he would want to see the wounds. Or if he would tell me I had to go to the hospital. Or what. Basically my "what if" button in my head was going off like crazy.

So I went in to see him. And I told him that I had SH-ed since I had seen him last. He didn't seem particularly fazed. He asked me how many lines I had done which I thought was a funny way of saying it. So I told him 10. He was like, oh you were really angry? I was like, yeah, I guess, and some other stuff. He asked me how deep they were and I said they were medium. That I didn't have to get them stitched. He was like, when is the last time you had to get stitches? I was like maybe February? Something like that. He asked me what I had thought afterwards. I was like, not much, I just started watching TV. He was like okay....I said usually a few days later I will feel sort of guilty but not immediately afterward. I told him I had done some on Saturday and some on Sunday. He was like, oh that's significant! I was like, not really, usually when I do SH I will often have a couple of days in a row. He asked me how long it had been since I had SH-ed I said 75 days. That was my goal with my other T and we hadn't made a new goal so I felt like I could give into the SH. He was like, so you wanted to do it? I was like, of course, I always want to do it. He said I'm addicted. Shrug. Maybe. I don't know. He asked me the longest I had gone without it. I said one year. He asked me how I was able to do that. He asked me what I had tried before I SH-ed. I really hadn't tried anything. I was worn out/worn down and I just went to the thing that I knew would help. He was like, so it takes the pain away? I was like yeah. He was like thinking about that for a while. He said he doesn't know everything that SH means to me. But that I need to hate it. I need to not make it an option.

He asked me about if I had thought any more about an accountability partner. I was like, yeah I talked to your wife after Church yesterday. He was like, where was I? I was like IDK. He was like, she didn't tell me. See the level of confidentiality! I was like yeah. He asked me what she said and I said that she would. He was like, did you have a good conversation about it? I was like I guess. He was like what did you say? So I told him. He was like, that's it? I was like, well yeah, basically. He kind of made it seem like I should rely on the accountability partner aka his wife as a last resort and try all the other stuff first. I don't know about that. Like I don't want to burn out his wife, but his whole thing is trying to get me connected to people and that action is connecting to people.

He says I have a lot of knowledge about the scriptures. I have a lot of head knowledge but he wants to make it more real to me. He said I know a lot about what God says about me but do I really believe it? He was like why do you let someone else's opinion of you bring you down and upset you when what matters is what God thinks of you? He wanted me to do this exercise where I closed my eyes and did a visualization and then prayed out loud with him in the room. I wasn't too comfortable with that. Even though the door to his office was open. It just still seemed kind of creepy. I negotiated. I was like, how about I try it at home and report back how it goes. He was okay with that.

I only got two lines of the verse memorized that I was working on so he told me to keep working on that, to keep working on the visualizations, to keep working on reading the book, and something else that I forgot but I have written down.

There's more to what went on in session but some of it I kind of forgot and some of it gets pretty into Christianity--more than what I feel is appropriate to discuss in a general forum. I see regular T tomorrow night.

Comments are okay.
Kit