I'm sorry you are having such a difficult struggle. You mentioned having made some serious mistakes in your life. I have done so as well. And I've made two major suicide attempts of my own. I guess I'm fortunate, in a sense, that I don't have any extended family to know about my circumstances. I don't think much about my efforts to remove myself from this level of reality, so to speak. (I do ruminate constantly about some of those serious mistakes however.)

I know the past is in the past, as the counselors told you, & I should forget it. But some things are not easily forgotten. I guess the one advantage I have is that, despite it all, I am able to make myself get up every day & do what needs to be done. Many years ago my father was fond of saying: "You're not required to like it. You're just required to do it." I have taken that as my mantra. I hope that, in some way, you can find peace with your past as well as a way to move forward into your future.