When you mention the word crazy, I do not think your behavior is crazy, I think someone identified it as crazy not understanding the survival reactions of a brain. It is normal for a person to have a lot of fear when dealing with aggressive behavior for a long time. Also suicidal thoughts are common for people who dealt with abusive/aggressive behavior.
This might show some useful insight, it explains effects of trauma and PTS(D).
What It's Like to Be a Complex Trauma Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse