Hi all--

I am quiet new to this community & just so happened to stumble across this website in search of some answers and some clues. I figured that I should introduce myself in the best way I can. I am one of those people who are extremely self conscious of their body. Since before entereing into my teenage years, I dieted and restricted myself without letting anyone know, but it was rather simple--no sweets or soda or cookies etc. Soon from that I discovered coffee and realized that it would quickly cure my hunger and keep me awake. As years went on things got easier and got worse in "waves". I went through a viscous cycle of eatting great and eatting nothing then eatting so much I was sick to my stomach. I have been on every possible diet imagineable from the age of 13--slim fast, south beach, the "3-day diet", 1200 calories a day and the forever yo-yo with weight watchers. Fortunately, I did find some success with weightwatchers and slim fast, but the success was only to be short lived. It is only now, after so much time has gone by in my cycles, that I see that something needs to change. I dont like feeling guilty and sick to my stomach, I hate the feeling of depression after I eat so much and I look in the mirror and want to cry. I, am a person who suffers from binge eatting. At my lowest and weakest points, I would buy containers of frosting and eat the whole thing in excess to the point of wanting to puke. I would eat a box of kashi cookies and throw the packaging away immediately into the garbage outside my house so my parents wouldnt see. I would eat normally in front of my parents, but hide cookies and chocolate under my shirt or up my sleeves. I noticed the weight start to gain and felt as though my skin was stretching and I couldnt move; I didnt want to. I became irritable, lazy and tired. My mother noticed the change in my physical shape and my attitude and brought me to a psychiatrist in hopes taht she would help. Journaling became an important part of me, and I strongly disliked crying right infront of someone I didnt know, pouring my heart out. I come from an immediate family who is extremely thin, so I stick out like the bulls-eye. And trying to talk to them is like the saying "easier said then done". They dont understand how I feel and how sometimes when I am at my worst I want to cry. Its not as easy as "just eat healthier" or "go exercise and youll feel better".

I'm sorry that this is so long, but I am looking for anyone out there who has experienced this or knows what I mean and what I'm going through. I need support and I would love to finally conqure my fear--food.

muchlove