Thank you for this terrific thread, @marilyn, and thank you to everyone who has contributed to it.

It's so weird. In my work life, my emotions could not enter into the situation, ever. Lives were at stake. If I freaked out in the middle of trying to find the source of bleeding in someone's abdomen after being shot at 3 in the morning, I could not be of any use to the patient. Have I been scared before in the operating room? Damn right I have. But I couldn't let it interfere with whatever tasks were at hand. As I used to tell younger residents and fellows, there will always be time to freak out later. But right now, do your damn job.

At the moment, I have fear interfering in some life goals. I have written 2 very different books, one a novel (a thriller), the other an accounting of a very long psych hospitalization in a notorious hospital. I really feel like both are publishable. I have published other books before, but nothing like these. The process in the States for getting published is that you have to get an agent first, and then the agent shops your work to the publishers. Agents get zillions of requests for representation and it is super hard to retain one, even if you are a rock star. J.K. Rowling famously was turned down by more than thirty agents. They thought she sucked. Michael Crichton of Jurassic Park fame, was also rejected millions of times before finally landing an agent. Later, after he became famous, he used to carry a copy of one of his rejection letters with him when he would attend book fairs for signings and lectures and stuff. He would reportedly try to to
locate whomever had written the letter he had with him and always made a point to say 'Hi,' just to remind them what they had turned down. He was obviously still kind of hurt, even after becoming a colossal success and zillionaire.

The books are good, I believe. I do. But my fear is, in a system that told Crichton and Rowling and many more that they were no good, just how many rejection letters am I going to go through before someone finally wants me? It's sort of like asking 60 different women out on a date at once. You are just setting yourself up for failure.

Anyway, I had the novel edited professionally and she though it was pretty solid,, which was great. But I remain paralyzed. Haven't sent a single packet out to a single agent yet. The depression part of me with its hopelessness piece has sort of hijacked me. It keeps telling me I will never get an agent. So I do nothing. I have this really pretty decent novel and I do nothing.

I need to turn over a new leaf. I need to get those packets out. I need to remember that they thought Michael Crichton was a no-talent joke and that J.K. Rowling would never amount to anything. I need to do all those things. I need to get those packets out. But I am afraid.