I initially thought about posting this on a pregnancy forum, but none of them felt right, so I ended up here. Also, I do believe this is more of a mental health issue rather than a pregnancy issue. It just has to be. I can’t find a reason for feeling this way outside of a mental health as no mother-to-be should feel this way.

We found out our first child is a boy and we’re devastated.

My husband and I wished for a family of 2 girls since we started dating. We had 2 perfect names picked out since day one and all we could think about was dresses and toys and pink rooms. Flash forward to 4 years later, we’re married and expecting our first child. We got pregnant after 1 month of trying and I was never sick a single day of pregnancy. I’m 17 weeks along and haven’t experienced ANY problems and feel as I always have. I’m not showing and I can fit into all of my old clothes. The pregnancy itself has been pure bliss. I already loved the baby so much and was so excited to go through the experience of growing another life. I know some women never have that chance and I was so grateful to have that blessing.

Well week 12 comes and we were anxiously awaiting the NIPT test to find out the gender early. We were praying for the results to say girl. We sat nervously with our finger hovering over the results button and together we pressed it… Boy. We were devastated to say the least. There wasn't a single genetic problem with the baby and he is completely healthy, yet all we could focus on was... "boy". Instead of proclaiming it to our family and friends with excitement, we sat there in silence and cried for 2 hours. After that time, my husband seemed to have come to terms with it. I, on the other hand, hated the baby and resented it for ruining our family. I hated losing our family that we have been imaging for nearly 5 years now. There won’t be 2 girls. We’ll never have our family of 2 girls. That sat on me for a long while. He tried everything to make me feel better about the situation, but the loss was killing me. I couldn’t get excited for the pregnancy milestones and even thinking about the baby was causing me sadness.

While I was so extremely happy and excited to be pregnant, after learning the sex of the baby, even that is tainted now. I think “yay I get to grow another life…. But it’s a boy.” And I immediately become disappointed again. I was able to mask the sadness a little by looking at all the fun baby shower theming they have for boys (the hubs and I are huge Jurassic park fans so making everything dinosaur themed is much easier for a boy). I was able to get lost in the dinosaur shower invitations, color schemes, and even baby dinosaur nursery theming, but even then, I know it’s only a temporary fix and I know it's excitement for all the wrong reasons. However, in the end, I always remember “but wait, at the end of this, I’ll have a boy.” Then I’m immediately disappointed again.

Hoping it would help, I looked up an article that listed 25 reasons it’s better to have a boy, and every single reason broke my heart because it counteracts every single reason my heart wanted a girl.

Nearly a month later after finding out the results, I’m still coping. I look up other posts of women who were disappointed after finding the gender, but even they said they quickly got over it. I want to get over it. I want to stop mourning, but I can’t shake the loss. Even now when we go through the stores to add things to our registry, I can’t help but cry looking at the dresses and pink strollers and pink bottles. I look at the boy section and feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My husband and I only want 2 children so our dreams of having 2 girls (and even a girl baby shower) are long dead. However, for our second child we plan to invest in one of the “family balance” programs that helps you secure the gender through PGD. Even with the almost guarantee that we will be getting our girl sooner or later… it only helps with the sting as I still have to get through this pregnancy, get through the boy themed shower, finish the boy nursery, have to take care of a newborn boy, go through a few years of “boy” before we can finally work towards our girl. This seems like an eternity away and this “boy” pregnancy is just something I have to “get through”.

I WISH I could feel different. I really WISH I could. Even now at 17 weeks, all I can think of is “yay baby… but it’s a boy.” Then any happiness instantly fades. It’s now nearly a month after finding out the gender and all I can do is look forward to the next one. I can’t find love for this boy, just indifference.

I’m not sure what I’m expecting or hoping for in any replies… but I had to share my thoughts. I know I sound heartless and cruel. Why can’t I just love a boy and be happy with a boy? I don’t know. I’m asking myself that question every day. Thanks for taking the time to read.