Regular T last night.
I went to the office and since I had been there the day before sorting out my copays, the receptionist "C" told me just to flip the light letting the T know I was there and to take a seat. I had to use the bathroom so "C" opened the door for me and then once I was done I returned to the waiting room. The waiting room had some horrible elevator music playing. It was truly awful. I did not like it at all. It's weird, sometimes they are playing trendy music, sometimes music from like back in the day musicals, and then sometimes this weird elevator music. I guess it depends on the mood of the receptionist. Although she seems like a very perky sort of person so it's weird when she chooses this stuff.
My T came and got me on time which is amazing. We went back to her office and the light was on and she asked me if I had turned in on. I said I hadn't. I don't even know where the light switch is in her office. She said, oh I must have left it on. She explained that she was tired and wasn't feeling well so she had gone home for a nap. I was worried that she was going to be wacky like that one time but she wasn't.
She asked me if I had SH-ed and I told her that I had. She asked me how many days I had made it to, and I said 75. She said that was good and that she was proud of me. Then we mostly talked about work stress for a while. I'm learning the new ways of the new company and getting used to the ways of the Controller. Sometimes I feel inadequate. It's not a good feeling. I told my T that I have a pathological want for the controller to like me. She said she didn't think that was pathological, just human. She asked if it went farther than me wanting the controller to think I do a good job, I said, yes, I want her to think that but I also want her to like me as a person. She asked if I like her (the controller) and I said that I do. She reminded me that all the feedback I have gotten from the controller has been positive, that I am doing my job well. Partly I am getting used to not having a boss in the next office. The controller is on the other side of the country in NY while I am in CA. She is also the Controller for the NY office and the CA office so she has her hands full. She is really good at responding to me when I send her questions or information that she has requested. Just I miss that personal interaction that I had with my former boss. We talked about my frustration with a few situations at work where I have been "in between." Like in between the old boss and the new boss. And in between the GM and the Controller. How that puts me in a delicate and frustrating situation. T said it will get easier as I go. And the more I do things that I have to do in my new role the more I will be confident in myself and not look for validation elsewhere.
Then we talked about the SH. I told her that I didn't feel like it was complete. I had a hard time getting her to understand that aspect. She was like, how many cuts do you have to make for it to be complete? I was like it's not about the number, it's just about a feeling that I have and it feels incomplete. She asked me if I have felt this way before, and I said yes. She asked me what I have done in the past. Sometimes I have gone back and done more SH and other times I sit with the feeling of incompleteness and in about a week it fades. T reminded me that I was already 3 days in without SH so I had a good chance of getting through the week. I explained that right now I want to want to not SH but I want to SH. T accepted that. She said that is where you are right now and that is okay. We will work with you where you are at. She said it sounds like I have part of me inside that always want to SH and part of me inside that always doesn't want to SH and the two sides of me are in conflict. She said that I am working hard towards trigger for Christianity
She said she hopes I can make it through the week without needing to SH.
We went into overtime. The session was about an hour and a half. It wore me out but it was also good. I felt very connected to T and I felt supported by T and accepted by T. I didn't feel judged, or put down, or forced into anything. I wish all my sessions could be that way.
Thanks for reading.
Comments okay. Hugs always welcome.
Kit